Christmas this year!

Christmas this year is going to be really tough. Since moving into our house, I've tried to start a tradition of having Christmas dinner for the last 2 years. It's usually me, hubby, bonus daughter and my 2 nephews. Other family members may join, but that's the core. This year my bonus child is spending Christmas with her mom, my older nephew has a girlfriend and he doesn't want to leave her and my younger nephew doesn't want to come if no other kids are coming. My heart sank. I mean Christmas is about children and this year there will be none. My mom, bless her heart, said that's why you have to have your own and as much as I want to brush it off. She is right. I would not feel like this if I had my own. I would be planning around them and making it their best Christmas ever. It truly sucks. Next year will be different, I just know it.

Thankful

Today I had a big old cry. I just felt so overwhelmed. This journey can be so lonely, and most times I feel Iike I'm going at it alone. I'm not sure if its the holidays or the feeling that I'm in the same spot I was in a year ago. You see mothers with their newborns doting over them and you just imagine when your time will come. I've been holding on so strong for so long, but today I just let it out. I had a pity party of why me and what ifs. Regardless of all of that, I'm so very thankful. Damn it, I'm alive and healthy. Which means I have another day to try again.

A year ago...

A year ago today, I was pregnant
A few days later, I found out we were having a miscarriage...AGAIN
It's been a year since I saw a BFP

On the eve eve of thanksgiving, I wonder what I should be thankful for. Yea yea yea...I know I should be happy for my life, health, family, friends, roof over my head and food....blah blah.
And I am thankful...but all that I have does
not take away the ache of wanting a baby.

I sit at home daily wondering what my purpose in life is. I've become a virtual couch potato. DH is not here, so I have no motivation to cook, clean, nada. I come home from work and just plop my butt on the couch until I do it again the next day. I try to do things, like travel, volunteer, socialize, and its a great distraction but it still doesn't take away that need. I was watching Giuliana and Bill, and he said:

"We can't base our happiness on whether or not we are pregnant"

But how does one move on from that??? I'm by no means given up. I had a repeat sono last week and my uterus looks great. My RE believes that I will have a baby, but the question is when. Ill be going to NY for turkey day, and can you believe I'm ovulating days before. Just my luck but all is not lost. I'm having my lap in a few weeks and hubby will be home that week so hopefully, we get to trying naturally.. How amazing would that be. If not, ivf cycle in jan. at least this time, I hope to get to my right side for more eggs. I'm hopeful, just impatient.

Until then, I'm grateful for not having any miscarriages in 2012 :-)

My Angels

Today is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness day.  Today I should have a 10 month old who is just developing his/her personality...or a 3 month old.  I usually try not to dwell on the what if's.  When my due date approaches, I don't sit and memorialize that day.  To me, its just another day.  Another day that I"m still battling this circumstance.  I know that my 2 angels will be with me again.  Instead of dwelling of the have nots...I spend most of my time thinking about what kind of mother I will be.  I think about the things I will do with my kids, the places we will travel.  It keeps me hopeful on a journey that can take away your total being.  So on this day, I don't cry for my angels, I look forward to when I will finally meet them.

Moving Forward after a failed IVF cycle

Our 1st IVF was a BFN.  I knew it would be because I'd tested on 9dp5dt.  But there was a small part of me that was hoping that maybe, just maybe, we were too early.  Maybe my embies implanted late. But no such luck.  Neither one of them implanted. 

That day, I didn't get a call until about 3pm.  I am so glad I POAS before hand because I would have gone stur crazy.  My RE called me.  He is such a sweetheart.  He called and left a msg for me almost every day since my retrieval.  He wanted us to start for IVF#2 right away.  He also wants to get another saline sono to make sure there is nothing going on with my lining that has been missed.  I interjected and asked him about my right ovary.  He said he wasn't too concerned about that and thought we could only focus on my left ovary.  Hogwash....hell no we won't.

I've been looking back on my previous notes and realized that my right ovary is my dominant ovary.  It is also where I had most of my mature eggs.  Why the hell would I negate that.  AND i'm paying for this OUT OF POCKET!!!! I definitely do not want to be cut again but i'm certainly down for a laparoscopy.  He concurred and referred me to a well known MD in the area. 

I met with the MD on Tues.  So I am on board for both a lap and another hysteroscopy..hey I figured since he's going to be down there anyway...why not take another look-see to make sure all is well.  I'm going into the next cycle with both guns blazing.

The only caveat..................his next appt isn't until the end of nov....phuck....If I decide go have the surgery, that means I cannot start IVF at least until mid-dec.  Thats something I need to contend with.  I'm going to go ahead with the surgery...I just have to make it through the next 2 months.

8.85dp5dt and BFN

POAS today and it was a BFN. I wasn't too surprised since it was negative 2 days ago. As well as everything went, I know that ivf is not a sure thing so I am not completely devastated although you hope that you are one of the lucky ones that gets pregnant on your first try. But I am faithful that it will work. I'll await my beta on Monday and see what the RE says. I may need to do a laparoscopy to improve my chances on the right side. In the meantime, I'll hold on to the small chance that my beta on Monday will yield better results.

6dp5dt

Today is day 6 post transfer and I'm starting to get a little nervous. I've been doing really well at keeping my nerves at bay...but for some reason today is different. I'm usually poas addict but for some reason I can't seem to get myself to poas. That is because I know too much. I know that implantation is completed by day 5. I know that on day 6 hcg starts to be secreted into the bloodstream, so a test today would be a good indication. But for some reason, I'm not ready to know the outcome.

Currently, I'm not having much symptoms, maybe slight cramping but that could be due to anything, and increased flatulence, I have been eating alot of beans lately. Either way, I didn't expect to have too many symptoms, after all stims were a breeze for me except super sore boobs. I do know that I will test before my beta on oct 1. In the meantime I'm claiming PUPO👯👯👯👯

Transfer day

D-day has finally come. Our 4 embies are still holding strong. My appt was at 12:30pm, and I got to the clinic at about 11:15am with a full bladder. My stomach still feels bloated/painful from stims/ER. I was called back about 12:07pm. The doc came in and basically wanted to transfer 1 embryo. He said based on my age and embryo quality, he feels that I am a good candidate for eSET. Hmmm...but yet I wasn't "qualified" for the shared risk program... Anyway, I decided to go with 2 embies. First because my girl Kiki had the same talk for eSET, and she ended up with a singleton, second, the other 3 were not guaranteed to make it to freeze but they plan on watching it for 2 more days, so I figured if I'm going to possibly lose the anyway, then why not put it back insure and lastly, I wouldn't mind haven't twins. My mom would be ECSTATIC. So 2 were put back in at 12:30pm and now the waiting begins. I PUPO with twins. I'm feeling pretty good besides the abdominal discomfort. I am hopeful. I took today today and tomorrow just to take it easy. I'm not sure if the hoopla about the bed rest is really true. Read somewhere that it really doesn't make a difference, but more for piece of mind. Which make sense because fertiles are not on bed rest. I decided to take an extra day off just for zen. My beta is scheduled for October 1st. I will likely test before then. But without further, meet my babies (the embryologist said "here are picture of your babies", I like the sound of that :-)

Retrieval Day Recap

My retrieval was set for 7am, so had to be at clinic at 6:00am.  DH came in for the evening to take me and give a fresh sample.  I didn't feel too nervous for the day because I was happy with the amount of follicles I had stimulated.  Aside from my super elevated e2, I was feeling ok. 

When we got there, about 6:11am, we waited in the waiting for about 15min, then were called to pre-op.  I then got changed into my gown.  The nurse came in to take my vitals, etc, then the anesthesiologist came in. He was actually the same guy I had for my hysteroscopy.  I was calm during the whole process.  The doc came and introduced himself. I asked him if he were any good at retrievals...hey you never know...he said he was...and that was that. 

I was wheeled into the room and went into lala land.  When I awoke, I felt a little dizzy with some slight cramping, but overall I felt fine.  The doc came in and told me that he was NOT able to get to my right ovary because it was stuck behind my uterus, and had he tried any harder, he could have done some damage to the uterus.....ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??????

Don't get me wrong....at the end of the day, I just want a live baby, and all it takes is one right??? However, we all know that the more you get, the higher your chances. I am grateful that he did not do any damage to get to my right ovary but it still sucked, especially since my right had most of the mature follicles and SEVEN follicles.  We ended up getting 5 from the left and I am grateful for that.

We got home and I was feeling fine, and was even going to go into work, but my boss said no. Glad I didn't go because my stomach started hurting pretty bad.  I rested for most of the night.  Praying for good news in the morning.

Stim Day 10

Today I had to drive all the way to Rockville for my bw/us because I had to pick up cetrotide.  it didn't help that I was out late last night AND I have to be at work for 9am.  My appt was for 7:45am...yea right.  I got there in an hour, doing like 70-80mph.  I know. I figured I should get all of this recklessness out of my system before the baby gets here.  I get to the clinic about 8:11 and had to give myself cetritide by 8:36AM.  Thats the time I did it the day before at the rest room at the RE's office.  See, to me, the most important med is cetrotide to prevent ovulation.  According to the pamphlet, its good for 24 hours..So I make sure to take it within 24 hours of the previous dose.

As I'm sitting in the waiting room it's now 8:22AM and i'm wondering how this shot is going to go down.  I get called at 8:23AM for by blood work and get into the room at 8:25AM for my US.  As I'm sitting on the exam table waiting for my nurse to enter, I mix the meds and inject by 8:32AM...Yippeeeee

So doc comes in with the nurse just to see.  he is satified with my growth and my progress EXCEPT for my lining which is now at 6.5mm.  He did say that "it was not good".  A little ominous if you ask me, but then again I still have at least 5 more days before transfer.  I looked online for natural ways to increase your lining...so i'm going to buy some plums, apples, black eye peas, mushrooms and cherries. i already do oatmeal in the morning.  Not sure if I want to add rasberry leaf tree.  But this will be my diet until.....who knows...

My e2 came in today at 2959. Today 11 follies were measured.  I asked the nurse about this and she said there could be more, but it was hard to count in my right ovary because it was hiding behind my uterus (it houses the most follies), but total counted 15.  Largest follie measuring 21.5, with one at 18, 2 over 16, the rest 13s and 14s with one at 8.  So hopefully the laggers get up to at least 15 tomorrow. I'm going to continue with the current dosing.  I did buy one more cetrotide but it looks like i'll be triggering tomorrow.  The good news is that my pharmacy buys back all unused meds (except for refrigerated ones) at same price.  So I sure will be taking back some menopur and gonal f at my retrieval. 

In other news...I'm really gassy (not sure if its me or the meds), bloated and my boobs hurt like HAYLE...I can't lay on them, touch them...nada.....but I'll welcome it for a BFP and healthy take home baby.

Grow Lining grow.....and yea...you too follies..:-)

Stim Day 9

Had another visit today.  My E2 skyrocketted to 2473, so they want me to decrease my menopur to 150mg nightly, which is great because it means that I don't have to buy any more.  They think i'll stim for another day or 2 so will definitely need another cetrotide.  Follies are growing nicely.  There were 12 measured, and 2 not measured for a total of ????14???? WOWZERS.....Now if only my lining will cooperate, we will be to a good start.  Lining at 5.0mm :-(.  The nurse says it usually jumbs during the last day of stims.  Crossing my fingers...

On another note, tonight i had to give myself the shots on a ......Cruise ship.   I went out with my girlfriend and had to take the meds with me.  Mind you, she doesn't know about my IVF cycle. So at 10pm, I excused myself and went to the bathroom.  I tried to pre-fill the syringes so that I would just have to inject myself, but, after reading the med inserts, it said to not store meds in syringe.  So that idea went out the window.  I did mix the gonal f since it is multi-dose, and just put the saline in the syringe for the menopur. 

So here I am, in the bathroom, people knocking on the door.  i have my stuff spread out.  I have the menopur in the air, drawing out the liquid, and low and behold, someone opens the damn door...REALLY!!!!!!! Do you not see my feet???

I hope she didn't see all the needles and vials...another crackhead moment. 

So I gathered my things and went to another stall because i realized the lock didn't work properly and it was just too stressful.  And to make matters worse, her table was next to mine.  But whatever, I could have been giving myself insulin.....is this what insulin dependent diabetics have to go through...YIKES!

Stim Day 8

Thinks are looking good.  My e2 went up up to 1401.  I had 2 follies at 15, 2 at 14, 2 at 13, 2 and 12, one at 11 and one at 7.5.  Lining still sucks...i think it went down to 5.1????? RE still not worried so we'll see. I'm going to stay on current dosage.  I may need more menopur and cetrotide depending on what happens tomorrow.

Back tomorrow for more BW/US

Stims Day 6

Had my bw/us done yesterday. I'm progressing well. Still with 12 follicles, 7 measuring somewhere between 9, 11, 12, 13.  My e2 is 715 and lining 5.8mm.  I'm not too happy about my lining. I guess that would explain my light periods. I'm starting to believe that that may have been a cause of my miscarriages. My RE doesn't seem too concerned since it will continue to grow, and I'll be started on estrace and progesterone.  I also started cetritide last night and will be taking one vial each morning, my Menopur dose was increased to 225g nightly.

Tonight I had to give myself the injections in my car. I got off later than I expected last night so I didn't give myself the shots until 10:45pm, which is not so bad since i usually do it around 10, and I have an hour leeway. So picture this: me sitting in my car at DuPont circle with needles and vials...can you say crack head....not a good look.  People kept walking by and one Mexican just stood by the fence near my car, digging for gold in his nostril... "Hey, I'm trying to have a baby here, move". Anyway, I got the shots without incident and was thankful that I wasn't spotted by the police. Now that would have been interesting.

Back for more poking in the AM. I must say, so far so good with the shots. No bruising, no pain except with Menopur, and no side effects.

Stims Day 4 bw/us

I had my Day 4 bw/us today.  I was super nervous.  Mainly because I thought I screwed up the first dosing of my injectables and literally traveling with my meds ALL weekend. . I still to this day don't know why the 2nd vial of  menopur was liquid..oh well.  And I have this fear about menopause, and my period acting funny this month did not help.  I wouldn't say that I bled, but I had like bloody residue...like old blood or something coming out.  It was really weird.  I'm guessing it had something to do with starting BCPs later in my cycle...:shrug: I don't know.

Anyway, so you read all these stories about people not producing eggs with stims...blah blah..so I was a little worried. But low and behold, all is well. When I left the appt, the nurse told me she counted 10 follies, some around 8mm and 10mm.  I was SUPER happy.  I didn't expect them to be so big after only 3 days of stims.  I then got a call later in the, and there were 12.... That made me SUPER happy and my estrogen was at 233....YIPPEEEEE...I know that this is still very early and I have a LONG way to go...but i'm happy to still be in the running......I HAVE FOLLIES......

My next appt is in 2 days.  I'm to continue the menopur and gonal F at 150, no change.  Knowing that this stuff is working makes it sooo much easier to stick myself at night.  Although the menopur stings a bit, its a small price to pay...among all the other prices and the end result.  I've read that letting menopur sit for about 5 min after drawing it up my help.  So instead of doing drawing up gonal f firt, i'll try doing menopur first....

Today is the day...

I start my stims...Holy Cow...I thought this day would never come.  I wasn't too worried about it.  After all, people have been doing this for years.  Then the box came....Really???? that many meds????

My box of meds came on Tuesday and I must say I started to get scared. The amount of Meds that came was a bit overwhelming. I guess the pressure of it all just hit me. I mean everything, well almost everything, depends on these injections. And to top it off, I'm traveling today, so not only do I have to worry about Meds, I have to get through TSA, keep the Meds at least at room temperature, and do it in secret as I tend to my friend on her wedding weekend. talk about pressure. Luckily I have a doctors note.
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So I made it safe to my travel destination. TSA did not even notice the Meds, even on ice. SMDH. I decided to take the evening Meds at about 10pm. I figured this would be a good time with my work schedule. so we are driving around, and didn't get into the house until about 10pm. Mind you, I've decided to carry my Meds with me where ever I go this weekend so that I don't miss my time. I started to mix gonal f about 10:10pm. That was easy. Then came Menopur. So setting: at my good girlfriends house as she gets ready for her wedding weekend, lots of people, lots of noise, people calling my name, me with needle in my hand, first time doing this, not good. I did the first vile, then the 2nd vile was already liquid. I couldn't for the life I'd me understand why. It wasn't that way a minute ago, and i don't recall mixing it. Either way, i drew it up and injected. OUCH!! This one burns...I hope tomorrow will be better.

Where to begin....

So much has happened but yet nothing at all....

My first and only IUI was a bust.  It started out well with the first appt but when I went in for my 2nd appointment, it looked like I was already ovulating or about to ovulate.  I didn't even get to do my trigger shot.  I ended up doing back to back IUI, but did not work.  Since then I've been gearing up for IVF.  I have been trying to get my mind and body to a calmer place.  I went out of the country for two weeks, I've been working out.  Overall I've been feeling pretty good...

After the IUI, I/We decided to go ahead with IVF.  According to my RE, he thinks I may have some scarring around my tubes (although my HSG is clear), that may cause my tubes to coil at times, making it hard for Egg to meet sperm.  Ok...I can bite.  He also said he'd like to put me on lovenox when I get a BFP.  He thinks I may also have some scarring from my myomectomy, and given my MTHFR, he thought it would be a good precaution.  Ok..... I'm not really biting the scarring of my uterus especially since the doc who did my hysteroscopy told me no when I asked.  But...ok, I;ll take a small bite.  After all, the end goal is to bring home a live baby...What I have to do to get my body there is really not a factor.

I decided to apply for their 100% shared risk program...I was DENIED!!!!! I couldn't believe it.  Although it cost a pretty penny, I was DENIED!!!!!  This hurt to the core.  Because it made me feel that they couldn't guarantee me a take home baby.. WTF do I do now?  After all, the RE recommended I do that. I spoke with him, and although my repeat SHG showed a clear uterus, he said his partners felt that the risk was too high given my h/o myomectomy and borderline ovarian reserve.  Hmmmmphhhhh.....I see...

I was devasted and almost cancelled the start of my cycle.  But after careful thought...I figure, screw those partners...I was able to get pregnant 2x on my own in 6months.  Now that my uterus is clear, I can surely do this.  Hubby also put a great spin on it, saying, thats less money we have to pay for the same result                --->sometimes that man can drop some knowledge.  So I decided to go ahead with it. 

I started BCPon august 7.  I will be on this for 7 days.  I am starting the antagonist protocol.
Was suppose to have my injection class yesterday, but unfortunately got there late due to traffic.  But I did get to speak with a nurse just to clear up some questions.  She actually said I didn't need the class since i'm a medical professional.  I'll also be doing all my injections myself since DH is away.  I also made the payment for both my cycle and the meds...YIKES....

I must say that I'm pretty excited about this process.  I KNOW that I will be a mother.  I PRAY that it is on my first IVF/FET cycle. 

In the past, I've dwelled on they "why me". But after alot of self evaluation....I now ask myself "why not me?".  Grant it, I wouldn't wish this on myself or anyone else.  But going through this process will definitely make me a better mother, because I know that the road wasn't easy.  It has helped me to prioritize what really matters in life. Although my insurance doesn't cover IVF or meds...I'm thankful for the ability to be able to afford this cycle.  I'm also thankful that I live in a state that has mandatory IVF coverage (although I work in a state that doesn't), in the event that this doesn't work, I will have the opportunity to obtain employment in my current state.  SO with all the said...I am blessed beyond measure and that is what I am choosing to focus on. 

My pre-IVF labs/US in on 8/20/2012 and i'm scheduled to start stims on 8/31/2012 with ER ~ 9/12 and ET ~9/15 or 9/17.  I pray this ride isn't too bumpy. 

4dpiui

Today is 4 or 5dpiui. Last week was definitely an experience. I went in on cd12 for monitoring. During my cd3 visit I let nurse k know that I tend to ovulate early on my left side. She said with comid that should not be a problem. So I go in on cd12 and guess what, no measurable follies. They saw 3 on each side. My LH was 14.8 and e2 was 707. Uh oh...im ovulating. Went back on cd13, it was confirmed that I had a collapsed follicle, so definitely ovulated. E2 was 482, progesterone 1.49 and LH 56 with lining of 6.1mm. According to dr. K, I should fully ovulate within the next 12-24 hours. IUI was scheduled for the next day. Duh, why can't I get it today???? So he was like..."good idea". So I was sent to get my IUI that day and then the next day. Very uneventful. I started Estrace to help with my lining, and of course progesterone. I go back on June 8th for my test. I'm going to poas before then. I'm feeling ok so far. My nipples are super sensitive and I'm having some cramping. Not reading too much into that because of the meds I'm on. I knew I was ovulating early because of my cm (has ewcm for the first time since my last preanancy)and bd before hubby left for school so hopefully that was enough to cover my bases. Last night I got a letter back from my insurance company denying my appeal for fertility tx. They are standing by their one year. I'm now scared because if I get pregnant before nov 2012, and God forbid I have another mc, my year starts all over again, so this cycle is bitter sweet. But nov is around the corner, so if this cycle doesn't work, I'll hold off until oct/nov to get approved. And to top things off dr. K thinks I have scarring around my tubes which may impede the sme, signifying that I have a better chance with IVF. Argggghhh....I just need to be patient. I'm so damn close. I'm trying to let go and let God...

IUI #1 - CD 12

went in for my first monitoring since starting clomid.  He saw 3 follies on each side although I didn't ask sizes because I figured I'd ask nurse K when she call with my labs.  Soooo...it seems that I may be ovulating/ovulated.  I kind of knew this would happen because last month I ovulated early and told RN K this, but she assured me that coming in on CD 12 would be ok.  hmmmmm...So my E2 was 707 and my LH was 14.3.  My lining still on the thin side. The plan is that I go in in the AM, repeat labs and US with progestering to see if i'm on the rise or i'm coming down, and then IUI on thurs/fri, no trigger.  Not really sure how I feel about the possibility that this cycle may be tanked. I am trying not to get too overly obsessessed/stressed about this process.  RN K said I should be fine but i'm not so sure.  I guess I'll find out in the AM.

Too Blessed to be Stressed...

This is what I have to keep telling myself.  My self rx natural cycle was a bust.  It's gotten to the point were I am not expecting a BFN, although I"m hopeful, such an oxymoron.  Then I got all down in the dumps.  I also found out that one of my co-workers was pregnant, 11 weeks, then I got even more down.  EVERYONE is pregnant.  But then I had to reel myself in.  She had a 2nd trimester loss, then a preterm delivery.  She has been through it, so if this came easy for her, then its a blessing she deserves.  This made me re-think, kinda, how I view pregnant women.  No one knows of the persons struggles to get pregnant.  When i get pregnant, no one will know what I went through, except for may 1-2 ppl. So with that I humble myself and I'm grateful.  I am grateful for the ability to get AF, because that means I have another month to try.  I am grateful for a supportive husband.  I am grateful for a good career, where I can pay for IUI cycles until my insurance covers it.  I am grateful to have insurance that covers IUI/IVF, even though its only after a year of TTC and at 50%.  Everytime I get down in the dumps, I have to remember that I am still able and for that I am grateful.

IUI #1 - CD 4

Today is CD 4.  I had my monitoring cycle for my first IUI.  Urggghhhh...Since my insurance will not cover it until one year after my m/c, we will be covering this out of pocket.  I had a pregnancy test done.  Dr. K did my US.  He saw 5 follies on each ovary.  He also said that he thinks I have scarring around both my ovaries which may make sme a little difficult.  He said, my best bet is IVF..He mentioned something similar of my left ovaries with my last monitored cycle.  I guess this may be why its taking me so long, because otherwise, I think we time BD pretty well.  Anyway, can't be down about it. Not much I can do.  I told him about the letter/appeal I wrote to the insurance company and asked him to also send a letter. He said he will.  SO hopefully that will cause them to change their minds, if not, then december it is. I paid my little pennies and went about my way.  We are doing a clomid/ovidrel/IUI cycle.  I will be taking 1/2 pill of clomid from day 4 until day 8.  Will be back for CD12. Lets get going follies!!!!

Urghhhh...

Feeling kind of blah today...So much going on but yet nothing at all.  This month I O'ed early.  I got a + OPK on CD 11. I think when I O on my left its earlier then my right because last month it was around CD 17ish.  I really hope we caught the egg.  I don't want to do IUI, especially since we'll have to pay for it.  And DH will be going away in 3 weeks...URGHHHHHH....I wrote an appeal to the insurance company regarding their definition of infertility and  the revised definition, stating its 6months for women 35 and older.  I'm going to my god daughters birthday party this weekend.  She's 2.  A good friend who is about 8 months pregnant will be there.  I haven't seen her in forever.  I'm not sure how I'm going to feel seeing her pregnant.  I would have been 6 months pregnant this month and although I try not to think about it, every AF and every O date causes me to revisit my lost.  Another good friend of mine is getting married and wants to start trying now.....I'm not sure how I would feel if she got pregnant before me.  See she was one that was always saying "if it happens it happens" and if they have difficulty, they wouldn't seek any help.  Now all she talks about it baby this and baby that.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish this on any one, but it still doesn't stop it from stinging.  I know I have to be patient and be faithful, and although life is good, it feels so incomplete without a child. There is a certain sadness that I can't overcome and no one really understands, not even DH. People ask me when we are having kids, and I casually brush it off.  I don't want to be snarly and say, we are trying because I don't want the stupid things that comes out of peoples mouth, or any pity as if i'm fragile.  I pray this is our month...AMEN!!!

Official BFN

Beta came back...it was <1...LOL..Thought that was a little funny...since <5 is negative, meaning irrevocably, positively, I am NOT pregnant...I'm ok.  Got out of my little funk.  I"m glad I did POAS before hand. My prolactin level went from 25.5 to 3, now i'm low.  I need to find out if I should continue to take it.. Probably not.

SO now, the question is, "what to do next"?  I'm still in limbo about this whole insurance thing.  I think I will appeal the denial, so plan on sending a letter this weekend regarding need for treatment given my age. 

In the meantime, the question is...do we try naturally? or do we pay for IUI.  Hubby will be moving to NY in about 6 weeks.  SO technically we could try on our own until he leaves, then begin IUI.  That would probably be the more financially smart thing to do, or should I start now.  NOw that I think of it, i'm leaning more towards trying naturally until he leaves, then starting IUI if needed in June.  I'll talk to him about it tonight and see. If anything, we can do the SMEP. Until then...I'm still hopeful.

Defeated

That is how I am feeling right now. POAS today and nada. It's amazing how BFN's make you feel. It's almost like a lost all over again. You calm yourself knowing the chances, but it doesn't matter. You still fall just as hard. I know that I will be a mother, but when. When will I get to see another BFP? When will I ever get to see a baby bump? When will I get to see my baby on US? When will I get to feel by baby kicking? When will I get to come home with my baby and be so exhausted from her crying all night? The things that people complain about, I would give anything to have. The morning sickness, the big belly, the swelling feet, the fatigue. I would take any of it for a healthy baby. My official beta is in 2 days and we will go from there. Likely will be doing an IUI. But today, I feel so defeated.

I cheated

So I cheated.  I said I wasn't going to test until the 13th, but ooopsi. I actually had no intentions of testing but I was curious to know this whole Ovidrel/HCG phenom, esp since I was a little nervous about doing it right initially.  My first test was on tues,  7 days after taking the injection which was negative.  Felt a little bitter sweet about that, because it either meant it had cleared by system, or I didn't do it right.  After searching on line, I read that with the 250 mcg, it can leave your system within 7ish days so I felt better. 

Then I was having some crampy like sensation, as if AF is coming, now really strong, but still present.  My boobs look a little fuller and since I have ALL ACCESS to preggo test at work, I decided to take one this AM when I got to work, which was NOT the FMU and was using a cheapo.  Needless to say it was BFN :-(.  No worries.  I 'm still hopeful. This is technically DPO 9 if I O'ed 2 days after Ovidrel

I think I felt the urgency to test because of this whole insurance crap.  Dr. K's office called. they said basically they would have to eat the 50 % cost because I never signed a waiver if insurance doesn't pay.  She also send over an application for the shared risk program, which I likely don't qualify for due to income limitations.  There is however a general IUI feefor $1600 per cycle, not including meds..  Thats a little better to swallow.

I called my insurance company yesterday and wanted to know how they reconcile the clinical definition with their definition of one year, without an age break down, ie..infertility is defines as no conception x 1 year for those under 35, and 6 months for those 35 and older.  They told me all the claim had on it was habitual miscarriage, and thats why it was denied.  They said the doc can call and do a "peer to peer review" and get it approved.  AND since i'm almost maxed out at my out of pocket max, all covered services would be 100%.  YAY!!!!!

So no more testing until...????

Hate Insurance Companies

I got a call from Dr. K's office to "discuss my insurance".  Apparently, my insurance denied the claim  for my timed intercourse cycle citing some BS about I don't meet the "infertility" category, which is being unable to conceive after one year of trying.  Are you f'ing kidding me.  What is that difference between able to conceive and miscarry vs.  not able to conceive at all.. At the end of the day...we all have NO BABY!!!!

Here I was, breezing throught my 2ww easily.  Now I have to actually consider the possibilities if this didn't work.  I always thought that IVF was kind of cute.  But knowing what I know now, I just want to get knocked up, stay knocked up and deliver a healthy baby.  I don't want to have to  pay an exuberant amount of money for it.  I am soo pissed off.  My Zen has now been shaken.  This wouldn't be so bad if DH wasn't going out of town soon.  Then I could just casually TTC.

Wooosaaahhhh......I am still faithful and will not let this little bit of news deter me.  The office will be filing an appeal for it and I KNOW it will work...

7 more days, but who is counting :-)

one down, two to go

Just found out this weekend that my girl Kiki is pregnant. I am soo happy for her.  She is 9 weeks.  Wishing her a happy and healthy 9months

As for me...i'm still moving on.  the 2ww hasn't been too bad.  I haven't really thought about it much, or rather its more of a fleeting thought. I will be testing in about 10 days, well rather 9 for me.  Until then, I have so much to do.  I have picked up a couple of extra work shifts this week, I'm hosting a going away party for my girl this weekend and then next week, my step daughter will be coming...and when i'm not doing all that, I will try to get some sleep or catch up on tivo...So busy busy busy...

I have had some mild cramping...nothing much else.  Not reading into symptoms or anything..Just going with the flow.  Wow how i've changed. I remember a year ago, check on ff for every twinge I had.  This time, i'm like..hmmm...ok..was that a cramp...LOL..+ vibes all the way...

2 WW

I think I am about to begin the DREADED 2WW.  I have been using OPK's since my trigger 3 days ago and have been testing every night.  Not sure if I ever noted a "surge", the test line was "almost" as dark as the control line but last night it was definitely much lighter. I will check again today.  I want to make sure we don't stop BD too early. I am determined to catch this egg.

SO the first 2days I had alot of abdominal cramping.  Not sure what that means exactly.  Today not so much.  NO real symptoms from the ovidrel. I started my progesterone suppositories today, and I am to take them 2x/day. so I will be wearing panty liners with them as they can get really messy.

I had a pt. I treated last night who's meds consisted of lovenox, asprin and endotrim.  I knew too well what that combination of meds meant.  She was 10 weeks pregnant, I wanted to hug her and congratulate her and let her know I know exactly what she went through.  From that combo, I can assume that she has had at least one miscarriage in the past.  I did ask what she was on lovenox for and she said...she had the "MotherTHFR" gene.  But she made it, now 10 weeks.  It gave me hope.

Anyway, trying to figure out how to wait out these 2weeks.  My test is april 12.   I plan not to test until, at least no earlier than the 11th.  I don't want any surprises nor do I want to be waiting anxiously for the "phone call".  Soooo, until then, i'm going to try not to do anything related to baby searching..No blogging, unless something amazing happens, no googling, no harping over twitches and such. 

What I plan/hope to do is...catch up on some TIVO, do some CME, research more about natural hair, photography, exercise and spend time with hubster.  That sounds enough to keep me busy...And oh yea...sleep.

And the wait begins..

Its trigger TIME:

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LH: 62.6
E2: 267
Folly #1: 19.1

Symptoms:  I am having some lower abd. cramping and back pain...Come on egg, lets flow!!!

So I am almost ready to surge: 
-I take trigger tonight between 6pm and 12AM.
-Start Progesterone in 2 days
-Beta for BFP on 4/12/2012


Let the BD'ing begin!!!!!

CD 16: Monitoring #5

Another monitoring day. Starting to get tired of these and its depleting my finances.  I don't know how these women do it over and over again for years.  My goodness.  I can't imagine the emotional nor financial strain it must be on the them.  This is a multi-dollar industry because these women are so desperate to be parents, so they will come in daily and pay whatever to do so.  I can sort of empathize.  I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the abiility to get extra income.  There were so many women at the office this AM and over the weekend, all hoping that this is their time, this will be their month.  All knowing that we are all there for one reason and one reason only, to bring home a baby. There were ppl who looked too old to be having kids, there were young looking people, fat people, skinny people, blacks, whites, asian..all walks of life, on the the same journey.

Dr. K did my US today.  I don't know if he is all that great at US.  He started off with my lining which he said was thin....however he said 2.??mm.  So I interject and tell him that it was 5.0mm on sat and 5.5mm Sun. I really cant forsee it getting thinner seeing as my estrogen was 300 the last time.  SO he takes a "better look" and i'm about 8.9mm...Yay!!!!

The other 2 follies seem to be going well.  Folly #1 was at 19.1 and Folly # 2 was averaged about 7cm.  His 1st measurement was 17.1 and the 2nd was about 4.9mm.  Hmmm, I'll go with the 17.1, as it seems US is not his forte.  Also he had a hard time finding them on my right ovary. So he THINKS it may be due to some scar tissue....so we will see.  No one else has had trouble finding it So depending on my labs, I may either trigger tomorrow and/or see him again tomorrow.  I told him I did not want to see him again, as he is draining my pockets. He told me to blame it on my ovaries...LOL...

I took an OPK last night, and no surge in sight. I saw a very faint line.  So we will see.   Hoping for some good lab results.

CD 14: monitoring #4

Another date with Wanda. Wasn't too happy about today's visit. The follies didn't grow as much as I wanted. I was confident that today would be the day. 364 days ago today I got my first BFP. I remember it so vividly. I went to an event and noted some spotting. Thought it was too early for AF. Decided to POAS although I KNEW it would be negative. I was shocked when it was BFP. I was so happy yet so cautious. I didn't know what to do with myself. I thought how cool would it be to get a do over, a whole year later. I prayed and I hoped, but God always has other plans.

Results for today:
Folly #1 (on right): 17.0mm
Folly #2(on right): 14.1 mm
Small follies on left, largest 7.7mm
Lining: 5.5mm
LH: 8.09
E2: 300

Not quite there but progressing. I have another check on tues. thank goodness it's not tomorrow. Hopefully that will be the day!

The nurse said they are hoping to get more progression with folly # 2.

CD 13: monitoring #3

Had a monitoring visit today. Everything's looks like its progressing except my damn endometrium lining. I had a hunch that it was on the thin side. So today's measurements are:

Folly 1: 16.8 mm
Folly 2: 13.2 mm
Endometrium: 5.0mm
LH: 6.6 (15.6 - 80)
Estrogen: 190 (80 - 400)

So seems I'm not quite ready yet. Folly #1 is progressing really well. I hope folly #2 comes along in time. How cool would it be for 2. Hmmmmmm.

So, I have to go back in the AM at 7:30AM. Urrrgggghhh. Everyone that knows me knows that I am NOT an early person. My appt today was at 7:45am and I got there at 7:30.....GO MEEE. I also got a prescription for estradiol to take the night of trigger to help with my lining.. It's almost time. Most likely will trigger tomorrow or monday.

Results are in!

Estrogen is at a whopping 74.2, which i'm UBER excited about
LH is at 5.60, less than it was 2 days ago...hmmmmm
Therefore I'm nowhere near ovulation, although I can feel that my cervix is rising (high is increased fertility, low is decrease fertility)

Either way, I go back in 2 days which works out great with work.  

Monitoring #2/CD 10/11/fears

Had my second monitoring appt today. DH thinks all this is a scam to get money.  His take is that I can find out when i'm about to ovulate on my own, instead, i'm paying someone to tell me.  He said I should pay him instead. LOL. He is such a conspiracy theorist.

So I saw the tech today. Last time I saw Dr. K. Follicles are a little bigger.  She saw none on the right ovary but 2 on the left, measuring 12.4mm and 14.3mm.  At first I was bombed because what happened to my 8 other "babies", but was quickly reminded that I only need one or two.  I am grateful for the progress of the lil' follies.  My endometrium measured about 2.63mm.  This seems a little low to me.  I have always been concerned that the reason for my miscarriages was because my lining was too thin. Since getting off BCP's, I've found that my periods are SUPER light.  I get a light flow the first day, a heavy flow the second day, the a light/medium flow the 3rd day, then spotting....YIKES. 

I am trying not to worry myself about the what ifs.  But it is soooo hard. I googled (shame on me) to try to find out about normal ranges at the CD i'm on, I should be between 3-5mm, termed stage 2.  I'm sure there is variations in this, and I only read one article, and i'm not sure how fast its suppose to grow. For example, a follicle can grows on average about 2-3mm/day. In the event that I do have a thin lining, I pray the progesterone I'll start taking at day 2/3 after trigger will do the trick and produce a lovely environment for my little nugget.

As I was starring at the monitor, I was amazed at how beautiful the process of conception was.  I am excited and nervous about what is to come in the next 2-3 months. I will probably be triggering soon, since my follies only need to be ~20mm.  I am hopeful and forever grateful for this experience.

As of now, i'm waiting for word on my labs and when to go back for another meeting with wanda.

First Day of Monitoring..CD9

Went in for my first day of monitoring for my natural cycle.  Yahoooooo.....Had another enccounter with Wanda.. So used to her by now.  I am cycle day 9 today/or maybe 8 depending on how you are measuring it. SO there were 10 follies all together.  7 on left and 3 on right...yayyyyy....they are quite small, under 10mm per Dr. K.  So i'm no where near ovulation.  My next appt is in 2 days.  Co-pay was a monster...Hot damn.....50%.... I had to pay about 18 bucks for labs to check for e2 and LH so that they can correlate with follicle growth.  I asked if it can be sent to labcorb since I get free labs.  But I guess with times BD/IUI, they need labs same day to determine when the right time is.. So basically a whopping 128.?? EVERY time I go in for monitoring.  Oh boy...I guess I really do need a baby fund. 

So here are my day 8/9 levels:
LH  6.30
E2  39.4
10 tiny wheanie follies

Basically I am no where near ovulation...so back to the drawing board in 2 days...YIKES!!!

Prolactin...

So apparently my prolactin is slightly elevated. With my inital labs, it was 24.?, at my last appt, I had it repeated fasting, and now its 25.5. hmmmmm....so have been started on some meds.  Not too worried about it.  Meds are 2x/week and I only have to take it until I'm officially preggo.

Making Moves

DH and I met with Dr. K today to go over all of our results. Everything looks great. He was a little concerned about my prolactin level. It was on the upper end of normal. I will be getting it repeated tomorrow fasting. So tonight, no breast fondling, LOL. Anyway, Dr. K thinks my miscarriages were due to the fibroids, so now that I'm all tuned up, it's baby making time. I'm so excited. I just feel really good about this process. It's like "God's got this". I am in a much different place than I was just a year ago. Hubby and I are on the same page and he has been SUPER supportive. Dr. K would like us to try a natural monitored cycle with a trigger, after that we will go to IUI if it's unsuccessful. He wants to only try 3 IUI's then off to IVF. I am down for whatever it takes, although DH would prefer au natural, but he is being a great sport. I do hope and pray that this first cycle will do the trick.

Genetic counseling

DH and I met with a genetic counselor today. Apparently we both have hemoglobin c trait. Not the worst thing in the world. We, well more he than me, may also have alpha thalasemia, again, nothing to worry about. We were offered more testing,, but we thought whats the point. If there are no medical complications, then it doesn't matter. I don't need to know every ounce of my genetic make-up. DH agreed. It's amazing how many normal deliveries ppl have considering all that could go wrong. I'm thankful that is all we have. We have our f/u appt next week. I pray we get the green light to proceed. I pray for patience on this journey. I pray that I won't get so obsessed with ttc that it takes away from the intimacy DH and I have built. One day at a time.....

Annoyed...

I started this bog about 5 days ago but never got a chance to finish. 5 days later I'm feeling better. It goes to show that whatever you are dealing with, life moves on. I was frustrated because DH and I are carriers of hemoglobin C trait, hence a 1/4 chance of us passing it on. In doing my research, if a child has hemoglobin c disease they suffer mild anemia if that, however my RE wants us to see a genetic counselor. Are you serious? Anothee hoop that we must go through. I was able to find one for Monday, so that has been taken care of. Also DH's SA was normal...YAY. Hopefully, all hurdles have been cleared.

I was getting anxious because I wanted to start whatever plan by my next period which is in about a week and a half. However I've decided to take a step back. I don't want to obsess like I did before. I don't want to bd just for the sake of doing it. Regardless of when we meet with our re or what his suggestions are, I will not waste march. How wonderful it would be for me to get a BFP with my next cycle. That is when I had my first BFP a year ago...I will look to God. I am feeling very optimistic.

Progress....

The last 2 weeks has been a worldwind. I have never been so poked and proded so much in my life.  The good news is I'm all done and tuned up and ready to have this baby. Had my HSG which showed another fibroid in my uterine cavity, but tubes are clear.  Hysteroscopy went over without a hitch.  They took out 2 fibroids and a polyp.  I felt back to normal the next day. All that is left is hubby's SA, after which we will make a follow up appt to see whats next.  Bring it on March....

Saline Sono Done

Had my saline sono yesterday.  It wasn't as unnerving as I thought.  A small fibroid was found in my uterine cavity.  I was a bit surprised because although I have a long history of fibroids, no one has EVER told me that it was in my uterus.  Especially since I asked each time, even during my 2 miscarriages.  How could this have been missed?  Apparently a regular sono does not pick it up since the cavity has to be opened to view anything inside.  But what about when I had a sono during my pregnancy.  It was opened then? Needless to say, I was quite upset at this finding.  Mad for many reasons.  Mad that this wasn't discovered earlier, mad that I waited so long to have children, mad at DH for wanting to wait to have children.  I even called him and yelled at him for it.  I also have to start BCP's to thin my endometrium for the procedure, which I really wasn't happy about.

In hindsight, after being calmed by one of my good girlfriends, it's not the end of the world.  I will have to have a hysteroscopy to remove it, which is an outpt. procedure, and on top of that, if anything else is visualized, like fibroids, scarring, etc it can also be removed.  If this is all I have to contend with, then I'm grateful and it shouldn't prevent me from "trying" next month if every thing else is fine. 

So next week will be HSG and hopefully hysteroscopy (they wanted to schedule for tomorrow, but I have plans ;-)

Day 3 testing...

I had my day 3 sono and labs done yesterday. Labs included estrogen, LH, FSH, prolactin and TSH.  All labs came within normal limits.  I had to later get an AMH because she forgot to add those to the labs.  My US was also ok, I  think there were about 7 follicles with one having maybe a cyst. But other than my NUMEROUS fibroids, that number was ok also. 

From what I know from previous US, my fibroids are not in my uterus but I guess we will find out in the the next week or two. I have my saline scheduled for tomorrow.  I was almost not able to get an appt for the HSG which would mean another month wasted.  But God is good, and I can feel his presence in this journey.  I was able to get an appt with another radiology center and hopefully get my insurance to cover the whole thing minus the copay by billing under fibroids vs fertility.  I got a call from the IF clinic letting me know they had an opening for me.  I booked both places in case my insurance has a problem with me going to another radiology center (Since I have an HMO, I am allowed to go to a radiologist that lives in the same county as my PCP, stupid huh?)

Going into the clinic yesterday was a bit sad.  There were 3 couples there and as I looked at each one of them, I wondered what their struggle was. I wondered how long it's taken them, how many losses, how many POAS frenzies.  One thing was for sure, that no matter what the journey, we were all there for the same thing, an opportunity to take home a healthy baby....

I am thankful for this journey because it makes me appreciate my own mother more, as well as the blessing of having a child and being given the opportunity to influence an individual.  It so sad that so many ppl take it for granted.  I was in line yesterday at the DMV and there was a woman with 2 young daughters and it was freezing cold.  Each girl had on socks, no hat, no scarf, coats were barely closed, hair discheveled, and they were shivering.  The mom was cursing at them and telling them that they were hard headed for coming out with her, and thats why they are freezing...WOW! was all I could must up.

In other news..today is the big V day.  11 years ago today, hubby and I went on our first date.  I can't believe how times flies.  11 years ago, I  thought my life today would be so much different.  But because of the last 11 years, I am who I am today.  I still have some sharpening to do, but overall I'm ok.  I'm in a better place now that I've been in a really long time.  Hubby has been so supportive during this journey and i'm so thankful for that.   Happy V-day to us!

Finally!!!

My beta is down to 2 from yesterday's draw.  Excited is an understatement.  I can finally move on from the last miscarriage and prepare planning.  My period started today...yahoooo...so I have my 3 day labs/sono scheduled for monday.  I must admit, not having to think about my period, ovulation, temps, OPK, BD'ing on time and 2ww has been a great break the last 2 months.  The last year has been consumed with baby making.  it will be almost one year since my first BFP, still can't believe it. I was literally in shock and deep in my heart I knew I would have a miscarriage. So much for positive thinking. My baby would have been 2 months by now. My life would have been so different but I have to believe this is where I am suppose to be. Everything happens for a reason right???

Twelve..

Was my last beta level about 3 weeks ago.  I've been meaning to blog more, sometimes i'm just not motivated.  I was really looking forward to my period last month because I knew we can start the journey again.  The month following my last miscarriage wasn't that bad.  I kept myself busy and most of the time I did not think about TTC although I had baby on the brain all the time. I didn't temp (which I plan on not doing), I didn't even OPK (as if thats a verb) or countdown to the 2ww.  I just chilled and enjoyed the month of Jan. When my period came I was excited to get my 3 day sono/labs done, then move on to my HSG and saline.  However that was put on hold because my damn beta levels were still in the high 50's so that whole thing had to be cancelled.  The reason?...because with beta in my system, it can skew the results.  I was disappointed, but not devastated.  I have this calm over me that IT WILL happen, not sure why.  I just KNOW...

Last week I was driving and listening to songs i downloaded on my iphone and the song God's greatest gift came on.  And I just started to bawl...It reminded me of the 2 angels I lost and the love I have for a child that I've never met:

Once in your life true love arrives that's
Heaven sent
I thank God right now that I'm alive to
Cherish this
Now I know it's you who holds my destiny
After all this time in the dark
I finally see

And I know heaven has blessed me with you
You are my miracle so precious and true
And I know heaven is missing an angel or two
Because God's greatest gift to me is you
--------------------------------------------------------
Most of the time I feel like I'm doing great. Then there are those moments when songs like this come on, when I hear of a teenager getting pregnant or I hear of yet another child being abused and it makes you wonder why????  Why them and why not me...and the pity party begins but I try my best not to indulge in it for too long.

I am now waiting for my period to start..hope hubby and I didn't have an oopsie :-).  I am repeating my betas tomorrow so hopefully its now negative and we can begin this party some time next week.

Celebrating Me..

I just celebrated my 35th birthday and I must say it was one of the best I've had in a long time.  One of my best girlfriends and I went to atlantic city.  It wasn't great because of where I went but more because of where I am.  2011 was a REALLY crazy year full of disappointments and hurts, and I promised myself that I was going to do better, choose and be better despite my circumstances.  Its amazing how much your mind can control your being. It can almost imprison you.  It's taken me to a place where I became so desperate, for so many things, but no more.  So far 2012 has been a good year.  I'm in a different place.  Maybe because i'm 35 (OMG, still can't believe it).  I continue to be thankful for what I have.  An although I still desire much, I'm grateful for the lessons and the place that God has allowed me to be...I'm staying away from negativity and CHOOSING my journey through life.  I've started to exercise and do things for me.  I'm getting my sexy back....LOL...

From this day forward....I am celebrating ME.....

Waiting..

Actively TTC is like a waiting game...

You wait to get your period, then
You wait to ovulate (which is sometimes not as bad because menses length takes up a bulk of that), then
The dreaded 2 week wait, where you over analyze every single twitch your body makes

For those in ART, you wait for day 3/21 testing, then follicle stimulation, then retrival/insemination, then you have to wait for betas to double consistently
For regulars, you have to wait and endure each trimester until birth
For those who miscarry, you wait for your betas to drop, then your period to start

THEN THE WHOLE PROCESS STARTS AGAIN!!!

Where am I in this process? WAITING....it doesn't even matter at what step!!  But for blogging sake:

I'm waiting for my period to start. 

With my last miscarriage, my cycle started after 33 days, i'm now on cycle day 32 and I feel NO signs of aunt flow.  I had my beta done 2 days ago and it was 139.  So I asked a family doc I worked with about the numbners and he said that after a complete mc, numbers should go back to negative w/in 2 days or so if all products of conception (POC) are removed since the placenta is what produces bHCG. Then I wanted to know if your betas had to negative for your menses to start, so he wasn't too sure and we couldn't really find any documented medical information on it...Soooo....what could this mean?
1. he knows not what he speaks of, as I've read that it can take up to 6 weeks for betas to get to negative
2. I still have POC
3. I'm pregnant

hmmmmm......I definitely wouldn't want #2.  #3 would not be too far fetched since 139 would put me at @4 weeks...but then it's scary because I don't want to go for a third m/c, in the event the first 2 were not due to mishaps.  So I guess the only one that I'll be totally comfortable with is #1.

I hope to get another beta in about 1 week, but until then:

I WAIT :-(

A New Year A New Me

....that's my motto for this year. 2011 has literally been the worst year of my life. Not only did I lose my 2 babies, but I also had some personal challenges.

The holidays were pretty nice. It was quiet,and intimate. I couldn't help but remember that I could have had a one month old. Life would have been so different. But I try not to dwell on it. I have chosen to be different this year both personally and in my quest to be a mother. I feel a sense of serene. The sense of urgency has left me and I feel, rather I KNOW that I will be a mother. I've chosen not to temp or obsess about my cycle. I know I can get pregnant, now I need to work on maintaining a pregnancy. Charting can, in itself, be stressful. The only thing I will do is OPKs.

I recently got a letter from my insurance company that I have been approved for my 3 day blood and us and the saline/HSG. Now all I'm waiting for is my period to start. For some reason, I'm Not freaking out.

The doc told us to prevent pregnancy until the testing is done so that we can avoid another miscarriage. How ironic. I've been trying my best, teehee. I still need to go in for my betas to make sure they are dropping, so will probably do that tomorrow. I guess I could just take a pregnancy test.

In other news, Kiki and Gigi had their IUI's about 2 weeks ago. Kiki's first, Gigi's 3rd or 4th. So they should know by now or very soon. I pray that it works out for them. Kiki didn't want to talk about her procedure, I guess I can understand that.

Praying for a productive year!