Twelve..

Was my last beta level about 3 weeks ago.  I've been meaning to blog more, sometimes i'm just not motivated.  I was really looking forward to my period last month because I knew we can start the journey again.  The month following my last miscarriage wasn't that bad.  I kept myself busy and most of the time I did not think about TTC although I had baby on the brain all the time. I didn't temp (which I plan on not doing), I didn't even OPK (as if thats a verb) or countdown to the 2ww.  I just chilled and enjoyed the month of Jan. When my period came I was excited to get my 3 day sono/labs done, then move on to my HSG and saline.  However that was put on hold because my damn beta levels were still in the high 50's so that whole thing had to be cancelled.  The reason?...because with beta in my system, it can skew the results.  I was disappointed, but not devastated.  I have this calm over me that IT WILL happen, not sure why.  I just KNOW...

Last week I was driving and listening to songs i downloaded on my iphone and the song God's greatest gift came on.  And I just started to bawl...It reminded me of the 2 angels I lost and the love I have for a child that I've never met:

Once in your life true love arrives that's
Heaven sent
I thank God right now that I'm alive to
Cherish this
Now I know it's you who holds my destiny
After all this time in the dark
I finally see

And I know heaven has blessed me with you
You are my miracle so precious and true
And I know heaven is missing an angel or two
Because God's greatest gift to me is you
--------------------------------------------------------
Most of the time I feel like I'm doing great. Then there are those moments when songs like this come on, when I hear of a teenager getting pregnant or I hear of yet another child being abused and it makes you wonder why????  Why them and why not me...and the pity party begins but I try my best not to indulge in it for too long.

I am now waiting for my period to start..hope hubby and I didn't have an oopsie :-).  I am repeating my betas tomorrow so hopefully its now negative and we can begin this party some time next week.