Just one of those days...

Today is just one of those days when I feel like crawling into a corner and crying myself to sleep.  I'm at work and I'm tired of smiling or acting like I'm ok.  Most days I feel like I am, but today, I feel like I can shatter into a million pieces.  I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of smiling, I"m tired of being optimist.  Today I feel like yelling at God for the way I"m feeling. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders today and nothing really has happened.  I'm not even sure why I am feeling this way.  Maybe is the impending storm coming this way. Maybe because its March, maybe because my life is not what I envisioned it to be on so many levels and I'm having trouble dealing with that.  Maybe it's that I"ve been so dissappointed that I find myself alone most of the time and that I can only depend on me.  I feel like I want to be a kid again and look at the world with an innocent eye. I don't know what it is, but today, I just feel sad....

Upwards and Onwards

Well it's official, I am NOT pregnant...AF came 3 days ago....This process has exhausted me. I'm not even sure what to do or how to proceed.  I saw this quote on FB today, a quote from "fifty shades of Grey", and I thought to myself, how true:

This is how I've felt over the last 2 years, over my 2 miscarriages, and my many failed ART attempts.  How does one love someone so much that doesn't even exist?  How do you miss something so much that you never even had?  Life is crazy like that and although I do not cry those unrestrained tears anymore, I do still mourn.  I guess I've begun to feel numb. I am not giving up, but I'm trying to figure out how to co-exist...Co-exist with my desire to be a mother and just being happy because I am blessed. I think these days i'm doing much better.  I have my beta tomorrow and I really don't feel like going in.. Whats the point?  I think I may cancel it.  I don't want to think about shots or RE for awhile. My personal life has been in an uproar, but a good friend of mine reminded me that I am in charge of my life, so I have to take control of it.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:	15
I am the captain of my soul.

                                                      by William Ernest Henley
So where do I go from here.....I'm going to try naturally for awhile....I'll be back to temping and OPK's

IVF #2---- BFN

I can't believe that this cycle has come and gone so quickly.  I thought that this would be the one.  I mean, it has to be right?  This time 2 years ago was when I first learned I was pregnant.  I couldn't believe how easy it was. I thought to myself this has to be it.  After everything that has happened in the last 2 years, what beautiful a gift would it be for me to get a BFP... But alas, life is not always fair. 

I had my transfer on feb 16th...21 eggs, 12 fertilized, 2 transferred, one frozen.  Not the best stats in terms of how many frosties i got, but at least I got one.  This cycle was soooo much better than the last time.  I did stress, I didn't obsess, I went with the flow.  My right ovary even cooperated.  But alas, it all didn't matter. 

I initially tested at 6dp5dt and got a negative.  I knew then but I still held on to that little hope that it was way too early.  This morning I took the plunge again and I can't say that I was surprised.  WHen you go through this process, you brace yourself for a negative even though you wish, that just this one time, it will be different. I saw the stark white on that test and was numb for about a moment, but then that overwhelming feeling came over me and the tears would not stop until eventually they did. 

What now?  How much longer do I have to go through this?  Do I just let go and let God and stop trying to control a process that at the end of the day, I have no control over? Do I keep spending an exuberant amount of money for something that has no guarantees?

I don't know....I don't know how far I'm willing to go to be a mother.  All I know is that right now I'm tired of thinking about it and wondering when will it be?

Here we go again....IVF Part Deux!!!

Today is the first day of injections for IVF #2. I'm starting on the same protocol..antagonist with menopur and gonal f.  150mg.  I can't believe that it's been 4 months since my last cycle. I was so anxious for this day to come, but now that it's here, I feel a little blah about it.  The last 4 months of my life has been filled with both sadness and happiness that TTC has really taken a back seat.  I feel almost disconnected with this cycle.  I guess its that reality that sometimes this just doesn't work for some.  Now i'm in no way being a pessimist, but more like a realist.

I was unable to get the laparoscopy for my right ovary because the insurance company refuses to cover it, although I tried to relate it to my h/o fibroids and myomectomy, they wanted me to try lupron first to try and shrink the fibroids or of course, pay for it.  That was not going to happen.  I'll go with this cycle and see what happens.

I was lucky enough to get some donated meds from friends in real life and online so i'm saving a ton of money on meds this cycle.

I started BCP's on Jan 8th.  I went in for my baseline BW and US on 1/28 which I totally forgot about. Like I said, I feel detached. Glad my nurse called me in the morning to come in.  Blood work and US was fine....and I got the green light to go.

I started injections tonight. It is a breeze the 2nd time around.  I'm not as anxious and I know that "it is what it is". I will do my part. The part of daily injections, daily doctor visits, daily vaginal probing and daily blood draws.  I take it all in stride because I know that it is for a greater good.  I've seen first hand the joy that this process can bring, when at the end you are hold that baby... All the injections and probing become a distant memory... So for now I just look to that, the rest is just a necessary evil.