I just celebrated my 35th birthday and I must say it was one of the best I've had in a long time. One of my best girlfriends and I went to atlantic city. It wasn't great because of where I went but more because of where I am. 2011 was a REALLY crazy year full of disappointments and hurts, and I promised myself that I was going to do better, choose and be better despite my circumstances. Its amazing how much your mind can control your being. It can almost imprison you. It's taken me to a place where I became so desperate, for so many things, but no more. So far 2012 has been a good year. I'm in a different place. Maybe because i'm 35 (OMG, still can't believe it). I continue to be thankful for what I have. An although I still desire much, I'm grateful for the lessons and the place that God has allowed me to be...I'm staying away from negativity and CHOOSING my journey through life. I've started to exercise and do things for me. I'm getting my sexy back....LOL...
From this day forward....I am celebrating ME.....
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Waiting..
Actively TTC is like a waiting game...
You wait to get your period, then
You wait to ovulate (which is sometimes not as bad because menses length takes up a bulk of that), then
The dreaded 2 week wait, where you over analyze every single twitch your body makes
For those in ART, you wait for day 3/21 testing, then follicle stimulation, then retrival/insemination, then you have to wait for betas to double consistently
For regulars, you have to wait and endure each trimester until birth
For those who miscarry, you wait for your betas to drop, then your period to start
THEN THE WHOLE PROCESS STARTS AGAIN!!!
Where am I in this process? WAITING....it doesn't even matter at what step!! But for blogging sake:
I'm waiting for my period to start.
With my last miscarriage, my cycle started after 33 days, i'm now on cycle day 32 and I feel NO signs of aunt flow. I had my beta done 2 days ago and it was 139. So I asked a family doc I worked with about the numbners and he said that after a complete mc, numbers should go back to negative w/in 2 days or so if all products of conception (POC) are removed since the placenta is what produces bHCG. Then I wanted to know if your betas had to negative for your menses to start, so he wasn't too sure and we couldn't really find any documented medical information on it...Soooo....what could this mean?
1. he knows not what he speaks of, as I've read that it can take up to 6 weeks for betas to get to negative
2. I still have POC
3. I'm pregnant
hmmmmm......I definitely wouldn't want #2. #3 would not be too far fetched since 139 would put me at @4 weeks...but then it's scary because I don't want to go for a third m/c, in the event the first 2 were not due to mishaps. So I guess the only one that I'll be totally comfortable with is #1.
I hope to get another beta in about 1 week, but until then:
I WAIT :-(
You wait to get your period, then
You wait to ovulate (which is sometimes not as bad because menses length takes up a bulk of that), then
The dreaded 2 week wait, where you over analyze every single twitch your body makes
For those in ART, you wait for day 3/21 testing, then follicle stimulation, then retrival/insemination, then you have to wait for betas to double consistently
For regulars, you have to wait and endure each trimester until birth
For those who miscarry, you wait for your betas to drop, then your period to start
THEN THE WHOLE PROCESS STARTS AGAIN!!!
Where am I in this process? WAITING....it doesn't even matter at what step!! But for blogging sake:
I'm waiting for my period to start.
With my last miscarriage, my cycle started after 33 days, i'm now on cycle day 32 and I feel NO signs of aunt flow. I had my beta done 2 days ago and it was 139. So I asked a family doc I worked with about the numbners and he said that after a complete mc, numbers should go back to negative w/in 2 days or so if all products of conception (POC) are removed since the placenta is what produces bHCG. Then I wanted to know if your betas had to negative for your menses to start, so he wasn't too sure and we couldn't really find any documented medical information on it...Soooo....what could this mean?
1. he knows not what he speaks of, as I've read that it can take up to 6 weeks for betas to get to negative
2. I still have POC
3. I'm pregnant
hmmmmm......I definitely wouldn't want #2. #3 would not be too far fetched since 139 would put me at @4 weeks...but then it's scary because I don't want to go for a third m/c, in the event the first 2 were not due to mishaps. So I guess the only one that I'll be totally comfortable with is #1.
I hope to get another beta in about 1 week, but until then:
I WAIT :-(
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
A New Year A New Me
....that's my motto for this year. 2011 has literally been the worst year of my life. Not only did I lose my 2 babies, but I also had some personal challenges.
The holidays were pretty nice. It was quiet,and intimate. I couldn't help but remember that I could have had a one month old. Life would have been so different. But I try not to dwell on it. I have chosen to be different this year both personally and in my quest to be a mother. I feel a sense of serene. The sense of urgency has left me and I feel, rather I KNOW that I will be a mother. I've chosen not to temp or obsess about my cycle. I know I can get pregnant, now I need to work on maintaining a pregnancy. Charting can, in itself, be stressful. The only thing I will do is OPKs.
I recently got a letter from my insurance company that I have been approved for my 3 day blood and us and the saline/HSG. Now all I'm waiting for is my period to start. For some reason, I'm Not freaking out.
The doc told us to prevent pregnancy until the testing is done so that we can avoid another miscarriage. How ironic. I've been trying my best, teehee. I still need to go in for my betas to make sure they are dropping, so will probably do that tomorrow. I guess I could just take a pregnancy test.
In other news, Kiki and Gigi had their IUI's about 2 weeks ago. Kiki's first, Gigi's 3rd or 4th. So they should know by now or very soon. I pray that it works out for them. Kiki didn't want to talk about her procedure, I guess I can understand that.
Praying for a productive year!
The holidays were pretty nice. It was quiet,and intimate. I couldn't help but remember that I could have had a one month old. Life would have been so different. But I try not to dwell on it. I have chosen to be different this year both personally and in my quest to be a mother. I feel a sense of serene. The sense of urgency has left me and I feel, rather I KNOW that I will be a mother. I've chosen not to temp or obsess about my cycle. I know I can get pregnant, now I need to work on maintaining a pregnancy. Charting can, in itself, be stressful. The only thing I will do is OPKs.
I recently got a letter from my insurance company that I have been approved for my 3 day blood and us and the saline/HSG. Now all I'm waiting for is my period to start. For some reason, I'm Not freaking out.
The doc told us to prevent pregnancy until the testing is done so that we can avoid another miscarriage. How ironic. I've been trying my best, teehee. I still need to go in for my betas to make sure they are dropping, so will probably do that tomorrow. I guess I could just take a pregnancy test.
In other news, Kiki and Gigi had their IUI's about 2 weeks ago. Kiki's first, Gigi's 3rd or 4th. So they should know by now or very soon. I pray that it works out for them. Kiki didn't want to talk about her procedure, I guess I can understand that.
Praying for a productive year!
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