Just one of those days...

Today is just one of those days when I feel like crawling into a corner and crying myself to sleep.  I'm at work and I'm tired of smiling or acting like I'm ok.  Most days I feel like I am, but today, I feel like I can shatter into a million pieces.  I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of smiling, I"m tired of being optimist.  Today I feel like yelling at God for the way I"m feeling. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders today and nothing really has happened.  I'm not even sure why I am feeling this way.  Maybe is the impending storm coming this way. Maybe because its March, maybe because my life is not what I envisioned it to be on so many levels and I'm having trouble dealing with that.  Maybe it's that I"ve been so dissappointed that I find myself alone most of the time and that I can only depend on me.  I feel like I want to be a kid again and look at the world with an innocent eye. I don't know what it is, but today, I just feel sad....

Upwards and Onwards

Well it's official, I am NOT pregnant...AF came 3 days ago....This process has exhausted me. I'm not even sure what to do or how to proceed.  I saw this quote on FB today, a quote from "fifty shades of Grey", and I thought to myself, how true:

This is how I've felt over the last 2 years, over my 2 miscarriages, and my many failed ART attempts.  How does one love someone so much that doesn't even exist?  How do you miss something so much that you never even had?  Life is crazy like that and although I do not cry those unrestrained tears anymore, I do still mourn.  I guess I've begun to feel numb. I am not giving up, but I'm trying to figure out how to co-exist...Co-exist with my desire to be a mother and just being happy because I am blessed. I think these days i'm doing much better.  I have my beta tomorrow and I really don't feel like going in.. Whats the point?  I think I may cancel it.  I don't want to think about shots or RE for awhile. My personal life has been in an uproar, but a good friend of mine reminded me that I am in charge of my life, so I have to take control of it.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:	15
I am the captain of my soul.

                                                      by William Ernest Henley
So where do I go from here.....I'm going to try naturally for awhile....I'll be back to temping and OPK's

IVF #2---- BFN

I can't believe that this cycle has come and gone so quickly.  I thought that this would be the one.  I mean, it has to be right?  This time 2 years ago was when I first learned I was pregnant.  I couldn't believe how easy it was. I thought to myself this has to be it.  After everything that has happened in the last 2 years, what beautiful a gift would it be for me to get a BFP... But alas, life is not always fair. 

I had my transfer on feb 16th...21 eggs, 12 fertilized, 2 transferred, one frozen.  Not the best stats in terms of how many frosties i got, but at least I got one.  This cycle was soooo much better than the last time.  I did stress, I didn't obsess, I went with the flow.  My right ovary even cooperated.  But alas, it all didn't matter. 

I initially tested at 6dp5dt and got a negative.  I knew then but I still held on to that little hope that it was way too early.  This morning I took the plunge again and I can't say that I was surprised.  WHen you go through this process, you brace yourself for a negative even though you wish, that just this one time, it will be different. I saw the stark white on that test and was numb for about a moment, but then that overwhelming feeling came over me and the tears would not stop until eventually they did. 

What now?  How much longer do I have to go through this?  Do I just let go and let God and stop trying to control a process that at the end of the day, I have no control over? Do I keep spending an exuberant amount of money for something that has no guarantees?

I don't know....I don't know how far I'm willing to go to be a mother.  All I know is that right now I'm tired of thinking about it and wondering when will it be?

Here we go again....IVF Part Deux!!!

Today is the first day of injections for IVF #2. I'm starting on the same protocol..antagonist with menopur and gonal f.  150mg.  I can't believe that it's been 4 months since my last cycle. I was so anxious for this day to come, but now that it's here, I feel a little blah about it.  The last 4 months of my life has been filled with both sadness and happiness that TTC has really taken a back seat.  I feel almost disconnected with this cycle.  I guess its that reality that sometimes this just doesn't work for some.  Now i'm in no way being a pessimist, but more like a realist.

I was unable to get the laparoscopy for my right ovary because the insurance company refuses to cover it, although I tried to relate it to my h/o fibroids and myomectomy, they wanted me to try lupron first to try and shrink the fibroids or of course, pay for it.  That was not going to happen.  I'll go with this cycle and see what happens.

I was lucky enough to get some donated meds from friends in real life and online so i'm saving a ton of money on meds this cycle.

I started BCP's on Jan 8th.  I went in for my baseline BW and US on 1/28 which I totally forgot about. Like I said, I feel detached. Glad my nurse called me in the morning to come in.  Blood work and US was fine....and I got the green light to go.

I started injections tonight. It is a breeze the 2nd time around.  I'm not as anxious and I know that "it is what it is". I will do my part. The part of daily injections, daily doctor visits, daily vaginal probing and daily blood draws.  I take it all in stride because I know that it is for a greater good.  I've seen first hand the joy that this process can bring, when at the end you are hold that baby... All the injections and probing become a distant memory... So for now I just look to that, the rest is just a necessary evil.

Christmas this year!

Christmas this year is going to be really tough. Since moving into our house, I've tried to start a tradition of having Christmas dinner for the last 2 years. It's usually me, hubby, bonus daughter and my 2 nephews. Other family members may join, but that's the core. This year my bonus child is spending Christmas with her mom, my older nephew has a girlfriend and he doesn't want to leave her and my younger nephew doesn't want to come if no other kids are coming. My heart sank. I mean Christmas is about children and this year there will be none. My mom, bless her heart, said that's why you have to have your own and as much as I want to brush it off. She is right. I would not feel like this if I had my own. I would be planning around them and making it their best Christmas ever. It truly sucks. Next year will be different, I just know it.

Thankful

Today I had a big old cry. I just felt so overwhelmed. This journey can be so lonely, and most times I feel Iike I'm going at it alone. I'm not sure if its the holidays or the feeling that I'm in the same spot I was in a year ago. You see mothers with their newborns doting over them and you just imagine when your time will come. I've been holding on so strong for so long, but today I just let it out. I had a pity party of why me and what ifs. Regardless of all of that, I'm so very thankful. Damn it, I'm alive and healthy. Which means I have another day to try again.

A year ago...

A year ago today, I was pregnant
A few days later, I found out we were having a miscarriage...AGAIN
It's been a year since I saw a BFP

On the eve eve of thanksgiving, I wonder what I should be thankful for. Yea yea yea...I know I should be happy for my life, health, family, friends, roof over my head and food....blah blah.
And I am thankful...but all that I have does
not take away the ache of wanting a baby.

I sit at home daily wondering what my purpose in life is. I've become a virtual couch potato. DH is not here, so I have no motivation to cook, clean, nada. I come home from work and just plop my butt on the couch until I do it again the next day. I try to do things, like travel, volunteer, socialize, and its a great distraction but it still doesn't take away that need. I was watching Giuliana and Bill, and he said:

"We can't base our happiness on whether or not we are pregnant"

But how does one move on from that??? I'm by no means given up. I had a repeat sono last week and my uterus looks great. My RE believes that I will have a baby, but the question is when. Ill be going to NY for turkey day, and can you believe I'm ovulating days before. Just my luck but all is not lost. I'm having my lap in a few weeks and hubby will be home that week so hopefully, we get to trying naturally.. How amazing would that be. If not, ivf cycle in jan. at least this time, I hope to get to my right side for more eggs. I'm hopeful, just impatient.

Until then, I'm grateful for not having any miscarriages in 2012 :-)

My Angels

Today is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness day.  Today I should have a 10 month old who is just developing his/her personality...or a 3 month old.  I usually try not to dwell on the what if's.  When my due date approaches, I don't sit and memorialize that day.  To me, its just another day.  Another day that I"m still battling this circumstance.  I know that my 2 angels will be with me again.  Instead of dwelling of the have nots...I spend most of my time thinking about what kind of mother I will be.  I think about the things I will do with my kids, the places we will travel.  It keeps me hopeful on a journey that can take away your total being.  So on this day, I don't cry for my angels, I look forward to when I will finally meet them.

Moving Forward after a failed IVF cycle

Our 1st IVF was a BFN.  I knew it would be because I'd tested on 9dp5dt.  But there was a small part of me that was hoping that maybe, just maybe, we were too early.  Maybe my embies implanted late. But no such luck.  Neither one of them implanted. 

That day, I didn't get a call until about 3pm.  I am so glad I POAS before hand because I would have gone stur crazy.  My RE called me.  He is such a sweetheart.  He called and left a msg for me almost every day since my retrieval.  He wanted us to start for IVF#2 right away.  He also wants to get another saline sono to make sure there is nothing going on with my lining that has been missed.  I interjected and asked him about my right ovary.  He said he wasn't too concerned about that and thought we could only focus on my left ovary.  Hogwash....hell no we won't.

I've been looking back on my previous notes and realized that my right ovary is my dominant ovary.  It is also where I had most of my mature eggs.  Why the hell would I negate that.  AND i'm paying for this OUT OF POCKET!!!! I definitely do not want to be cut again but i'm certainly down for a laparoscopy.  He concurred and referred me to a well known MD in the area. 

I met with the MD on Tues.  So I am on board for both a lap and another hysteroscopy..hey I figured since he's going to be down there anyway...why not take another look-see to make sure all is well.  I'm going into the next cycle with both guns blazing.

The only caveat..................his next appt isn't until the end of nov....phuck....If I decide go have the surgery, that means I cannot start IVF at least until mid-dec.  Thats something I need to contend with.  I'm going to go ahead with the surgery...I just have to make it through the next 2 months.

8.85dp5dt and BFN

POAS today and it was a BFN. I wasn't too surprised since it was negative 2 days ago. As well as everything went, I know that ivf is not a sure thing so I am not completely devastated although you hope that you are one of the lucky ones that gets pregnant on your first try. But I am faithful that it will work. I'll await my beta on Monday and see what the RE says. I may need to do a laparoscopy to improve my chances on the right side. In the meantime, I'll hold on to the small chance that my beta on Monday will yield better results.

6dp5dt

Today is day 6 post transfer and I'm starting to get a little nervous. I've been doing really well at keeping my nerves at bay...but for some reason today is different. I'm usually poas addict but for some reason I can't seem to get myself to poas. That is because I know too much. I know that implantation is completed by day 5. I know that on day 6 hcg starts to be secreted into the bloodstream, so a test today would be a good indication. But for some reason, I'm not ready to know the outcome.

Currently, I'm not having much symptoms, maybe slight cramping but that could be due to anything, and increased flatulence, I have been eating alot of beans lately. Either way, I didn't expect to have too many symptoms, after all stims were a breeze for me except super sore boobs. I do know that I will test before my beta on oct 1. In the meantime I'm claiming PUPO👯👯👯👯

Transfer day

D-day has finally come. Our 4 embies are still holding strong. My appt was at 12:30pm, and I got to the clinic at about 11:15am with a full bladder. My stomach still feels bloated/painful from stims/ER. I was called back about 12:07pm. The doc came in and basically wanted to transfer 1 embryo. He said based on my age and embryo quality, he feels that I am a good candidate for eSET. Hmmm...but yet I wasn't "qualified" for the shared risk program... Anyway, I decided to go with 2 embies. First because my girl Kiki had the same talk for eSET, and she ended up with a singleton, second, the other 3 were not guaranteed to make it to freeze but they plan on watching it for 2 more days, so I figured if I'm going to possibly lose the anyway, then why not put it back insure and lastly, I wouldn't mind haven't twins. My mom would be ECSTATIC. So 2 were put back in at 12:30pm and now the waiting begins. I PUPO with twins. I'm feeling pretty good besides the abdominal discomfort. I am hopeful. I took today today and tomorrow just to take it easy. I'm not sure if the hoopla about the bed rest is really true. Read somewhere that it really doesn't make a difference, but more for piece of mind. Which make sense because fertiles are not on bed rest. I decided to take an extra day off just for zen. My beta is scheduled for October 1st. I will likely test before then. But without further, meet my babies (the embryologist said "here are picture of your babies", I like the sound of that :-)

Retrieval Day Recap

My retrieval was set for 7am, so had to be at clinic at 6:00am.  DH came in for the evening to take me and give a fresh sample.  I didn't feel too nervous for the day because I was happy with the amount of follicles I had stimulated.  Aside from my super elevated e2, I was feeling ok. 

When we got there, about 6:11am, we waited in the waiting for about 15min, then were called to pre-op.  I then got changed into my gown.  The nurse came in to take my vitals, etc, then the anesthesiologist came in. He was actually the same guy I had for my hysteroscopy.  I was calm during the whole process.  The doc came and introduced himself. I asked him if he were any good at retrievals...hey you never know...he said he was...and that was that. 

I was wheeled into the room and went into lala land.  When I awoke, I felt a little dizzy with some slight cramping, but overall I felt fine.  The doc came in and told me that he was NOT able to get to my right ovary because it was stuck behind my uterus, and had he tried any harder, he could have done some damage to the uterus.....ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??????

Don't get me wrong....at the end of the day, I just want a live baby, and all it takes is one right??? However, we all know that the more you get, the higher your chances. I am grateful that he did not do any damage to get to my right ovary but it still sucked, especially since my right had most of the mature follicles and SEVEN follicles.  We ended up getting 5 from the left and I am grateful for that.

We got home and I was feeling fine, and was even going to go into work, but my boss said no. Glad I didn't go because my stomach started hurting pretty bad.  I rested for most of the night.  Praying for good news in the morning.

Stim Day 10

Today I had to drive all the way to Rockville for my bw/us because I had to pick up cetrotide.  it didn't help that I was out late last night AND I have to be at work for 9am.  My appt was for 7:45am...yea right.  I got there in an hour, doing like 70-80mph.  I know. I figured I should get all of this recklessness out of my system before the baby gets here.  I get to the clinic about 8:11 and had to give myself cetritide by 8:36AM.  Thats the time I did it the day before at the rest room at the RE's office.  See, to me, the most important med is cetrotide to prevent ovulation.  According to the pamphlet, its good for 24 hours..So I make sure to take it within 24 hours of the previous dose.

As I'm sitting in the waiting room it's now 8:22AM and i'm wondering how this shot is going to go down.  I get called at 8:23AM for by blood work and get into the room at 8:25AM for my US.  As I'm sitting on the exam table waiting for my nurse to enter, I mix the meds and inject by 8:32AM...Yippeeeee

So doc comes in with the nurse just to see.  he is satified with my growth and my progress EXCEPT for my lining which is now at 6.5mm.  He did say that "it was not good".  A little ominous if you ask me, but then again I still have at least 5 more days before transfer.  I looked online for natural ways to increase your lining...so i'm going to buy some plums, apples, black eye peas, mushrooms and cherries. i already do oatmeal in the morning.  Not sure if I want to add rasberry leaf tree.  But this will be my diet until.....who knows...

My e2 came in today at 2959. Today 11 follies were measured.  I asked the nurse about this and she said there could be more, but it was hard to count in my right ovary because it was hiding behind my uterus (it houses the most follies), but total counted 15.  Largest follie measuring 21.5, with one at 18, 2 over 16, the rest 13s and 14s with one at 8.  So hopefully the laggers get up to at least 15 tomorrow. I'm going to continue with the current dosing.  I did buy one more cetrotide but it looks like i'll be triggering tomorrow.  The good news is that my pharmacy buys back all unused meds (except for refrigerated ones) at same price.  So I sure will be taking back some menopur and gonal f at my retrieval. 

In other news...I'm really gassy (not sure if its me or the meds), bloated and my boobs hurt like HAYLE...I can't lay on them, touch them...nada.....but I'll welcome it for a BFP and healthy take home baby.

Grow Lining grow.....and yea...you too follies..:-)

Stim Day 9

Had another visit today.  My E2 skyrocketted to 2473, so they want me to decrease my menopur to 150mg nightly, which is great because it means that I don't have to buy any more.  They think i'll stim for another day or 2 so will definitely need another cetrotide.  Follies are growing nicely.  There were 12 measured, and 2 not measured for a total of ????14???? WOWZERS.....Now if only my lining will cooperate, we will be to a good start.  Lining at 5.0mm :-(.  The nurse says it usually jumbs during the last day of stims.  Crossing my fingers...

On another note, tonight i had to give myself the shots on a ......Cruise ship.   I went out with my girlfriend and had to take the meds with me.  Mind you, she doesn't know about my IVF cycle. So at 10pm, I excused myself and went to the bathroom.  I tried to pre-fill the syringes so that I would just have to inject myself, but, after reading the med inserts, it said to not store meds in syringe.  So that idea went out the window.  I did mix the gonal f since it is multi-dose, and just put the saline in the syringe for the menopur. 

So here I am, in the bathroom, people knocking on the door.  i have my stuff spread out.  I have the menopur in the air, drawing out the liquid, and low and behold, someone opens the damn door...REALLY!!!!!!! Do you not see my feet???

I hope she didn't see all the needles and vials...another crackhead moment. 

So I gathered my things and went to another stall because i realized the lock didn't work properly and it was just too stressful.  And to make matters worse, her table was next to mine.  But whatever, I could have been giving myself insulin.....is this what insulin dependent diabetics have to go through...YIKES!

Stim Day 8

Thinks are looking good.  My e2 went up up to 1401.  I had 2 follies at 15, 2 at 14, 2 at 13, 2 and 12, one at 11 and one at 7.5.  Lining still sucks...i think it went down to 5.1????? RE still not worried so we'll see. I'm going to stay on current dosage.  I may need more menopur and cetrotide depending on what happens tomorrow.

Back tomorrow for more BW/US

Stims Day 6

Had my bw/us done yesterday. I'm progressing well. Still with 12 follicles, 7 measuring somewhere between 9, 11, 12, 13.  My e2 is 715 and lining 5.8mm.  I'm not too happy about my lining. I guess that would explain my light periods. I'm starting to believe that that may have been a cause of my miscarriages. My RE doesn't seem too concerned since it will continue to grow, and I'll be started on estrace and progesterone.  I also started cetritide last night and will be taking one vial each morning, my Menopur dose was increased to 225g nightly.

Tonight I had to give myself the injections in my car. I got off later than I expected last night so I didn't give myself the shots until 10:45pm, which is not so bad since i usually do it around 10, and I have an hour leeway. So picture this: me sitting in my car at DuPont circle with needles and vials...can you say crack head....not a good look.  People kept walking by and one Mexican just stood by the fence near my car, digging for gold in his nostril... "Hey, I'm trying to have a baby here, move". Anyway, I got the shots without incident and was thankful that I wasn't spotted by the police. Now that would have been interesting.

Back for more poking in the AM. I must say, so far so good with the shots. No bruising, no pain except with Menopur, and no side effects.

Stims Day 4 bw/us

I had my Day 4 bw/us today.  I was super nervous.  Mainly because I thought I screwed up the first dosing of my injectables and literally traveling with my meds ALL weekend. . I still to this day don't know why the 2nd vial of  menopur was liquid..oh well.  And I have this fear about menopause, and my period acting funny this month did not help.  I wouldn't say that I bled, but I had like bloody residue...like old blood or something coming out.  It was really weird.  I'm guessing it had something to do with starting BCPs later in my cycle...:shrug: I don't know.

Anyway, so you read all these stories about people not producing eggs with stims...blah blah..so I was a little worried. But low and behold, all is well. When I left the appt, the nurse told me she counted 10 follies, some around 8mm and 10mm.  I was SUPER happy.  I didn't expect them to be so big after only 3 days of stims.  I then got a call later in the, and there were 12.... That made me SUPER happy and my estrogen was at 233....YIPPEEEEE...I know that this is still very early and I have a LONG way to go...but i'm happy to still be in the running......I HAVE FOLLIES......

My next appt is in 2 days.  I'm to continue the menopur and gonal F at 150, no change.  Knowing that this stuff is working makes it sooo much easier to stick myself at night.  Although the menopur stings a bit, its a small price to pay...among all the other prices and the end result.  I've read that letting menopur sit for about 5 min after drawing it up my help.  So instead of doing drawing up gonal f firt, i'll try doing menopur first....

Today is the day...

I start my stims...Holy Cow...I thought this day would never come.  I wasn't too worried about it.  After all, people have been doing this for years.  Then the box came....Really???? that many meds????

My box of meds came on Tuesday and I must say I started to get scared. The amount of Meds that came was a bit overwhelming. I guess the pressure of it all just hit me. I mean everything, well almost everything, depends on these injections. And to top it off, I'm traveling today, so not only do I have to worry about Meds, I have to get through TSA, keep the Meds at least at room temperature, and do it in secret as I tend to my friend on her wedding weekend. talk about pressure. Luckily I have a doctors note.
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So I made it safe to my travel destination. TSA did not even notice the Meds, even on ice. SMDH. I decided to take the evening Meds at about 10pm. I figured this would be a good time with my work schedule. so we are driving around, and didn't get into the house until about 10pm. Mind you, I've decided to carry my Meds with me where ever I go this weekend so that I don't miss my time. I started to mix gonal f about 10:10pm. That was easy. Then came Menopur. So setting: at my good girlfriends house as she gets ready for her wedding weekend, lots of people, lots of noise, people calling my name, me with needle in my hand, first time doing this, not good. I did the first vile, then the 2nd vile was already liquid. I couldn't for the life I'd me understand why. It wasn't that way a minute ago, and i don't recall mixing it. Either way, i drew it up and injected. OUCH!! This one burns...I hope tomorrow will be better.

Where to begin....

So much has happened but yet nothing at all....

My first and only IUI was a bust.  It started out well with the first appt but when I went in for my 2nd appointment, it looked like I was already ovulating or about to ovulate.  I didn't even get to do my trigger shot.  I ended up doing back to back IUI, but did not work.  Since then I've been gearing up for IVF.  I have been trying to get my mind and body to a calmer place.  I went out of the country for two weeks, I've been working out.  Overall I've been feeling pretty good...

After the IUI, I/We decided to go ahead with IVF.  According to my RE, he thinks I may have some scarring around my tubes (although my HSG is clear), that may cause my tubes to coil at times, making it hard for Egg to meet sperm.  Ok...I can bite.  He also said he'd like to put me on lovenox when I get a BFP.  He thinks I may also have some scarring from my myomectomy, and given my MTHFR, he thought it would be a good precaution.  Ok..... I'm not really biting the scarring of my uterus especially since the doc who did my hysteroscopy told me no when I asked.  But...ok, I;ll take a small bite.  After all, the end goal is to bring home a live baby...What I have to do to get my body there is really not a factor.

I decided to apply for their 100% shared risk program...I was DENIED!!!!! I couldn't believe it.  Although it cost a pretty penny, I was DENIED!!!!!  This hurt to the core.  Because it made me feel that they couldn't guarantee me a take home baby.. WTF do I do now?  After all, the RE recommended I do that. I spoke with him, and although my repeat SHG showed a clear uterus, he said his partners felt that the risk was too high given my h/o myomectomy and borderline ovarian reserve.  Hmmmmphhhhh.....I see...

I was devasted and almost cancelled the start of my cycle.  But after careful thought...I figure, screw those partners...I was able to get pregnant 2x on my own in 6months.  Now that my uterus is clear, I can surely do this.  Hubby also put a great spin on it, saying, thats less money we have to pay for the same result                --->sometimes that man can drop some knowledge.  So I decided to go ahead with it. 

I started BCPon august 7.  I will be on this for 7 days.  I am starting the antagonist protocol.
Was suppose to have my injection class yesterday, but unfortunately got there late due to traffic.  But I did get to speak with a nurse just to clear up some questions.  She actually said I didn't need the class since i'm a medical professional.  I'll also be doing all my injections myself since DH is away.  I also made the payment for both my cycle and the meds...YIKES....

I must say that I'm pretty excited about this process.  I KNOW that I will be a mother.  I PRAY that it is on my first IVF/FET cycle. 

In the past, I've dwelled on they "why me". But after alot of self evaluation....I now ask myself "why not me?".  Grant it, I wouldn't wish this on myself or anyone else.  But going through this process will definitely make me a better mother, because I know that the road wasn't easy.  It has helped me to prioritize what really matters in life. Although my insurance doesn't cover IVF or meds...I'm thankful for the ability to be able to afford this cycle.  I'm also thankful that I live in a state that has mandatory IVF coverage (although I work in a state that doesn't), in the event that this doesn't work, I will have the opportunity to obtain employment in my current state.  SO with all the said...I am blessed beyond measure and that is what I am choosing to focus on. 

My pre-IVF labs/US in on 8/20/2012 and i'm scheduled to start stims on 8/31/2012 with ER ~ 9/12 and ET ~9/15 or 9/17.  I pray this ride isn't too bumpy.