Today is the day...

I start my stims...Holy Cow...I thought this day would never come.  I wasn't too worried about it.  After all, people have been doing this for years.  Then the box came....Really???? that many meds????

My box of meds came on Tuesday and I must say I started to get scared. The amount of Meds that came was a bit overwhelming. I guess the pressure of it all just hit me. I mean everything, well almost everything, depends on these injections. And to top it off, I'm traveling today, so not only do I have to worry about Meds, I have to get through TSA, keep the Meds at least at room temperature, and do it in secret as I tend to my friend on her wedding weekend. talk about pressure. Luckily I have a doctors note.
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So I made it safe to my travel destination. TSA did not even notice the Meds, even on ice. SMDH. I decided to take the evening Meds at about 10pm. I figured this would be a good time with my work schedule. so we are driving around, and didn't get into the house until about 10pm. Mind you, I've decided to carry my Meds with me where ever I go this weekend so that I don't miss my time. I started to mix gonal f about 10:10pm. That was easy. Then came Menopur. So setting: at my good girlfriends house as she gets ready for her wedding weekend, lots of people, lots of noise, people calling my name, me with needle in my hand, first time doing this, not good. I did the first vile, then the 2nd vile was already liquid. I couldn't for the life I'd me understand why. It wasn't that way a minute ago, and i don't recall mixing it. Either way, i drew it up and injected. OUCH!! This one burns...I hope tomorrow will be better.

Where to begin....

So much has happened but yet nothing at all....

My first and only IUI was a bust.  It started out well with the first appt but when I went in for my 2nd appointment, it looked like I was already ovulating or about to ovulate.  I didn't even get to do my trigger shot.  I ended up doing back to back IUI, but did not work.  Since then I've been gearing up for IVF.  I have been trying to get my mind and body to a calmer place.  I went out of the country for two weeks, I've been working out.  Overall I've been feeling pretty good...

After the IUI, I/We decided to go ahead with IVF.  According to my RE, he thinks I may have some scarring around my tubes (although my HSG is clear), that may cause my tubes to coil at times, making it hard for Egg to meet sperm.  Ok...I can bite.  He also said he'd like to put me on lovenox when I get a BFP.  He thinks I may also have some scarring from my myomectomy, and given my MTHFR, he thought it would be a good precaution.  Ok..... I'm not really biting the scarring of my uterus especially since the doc who did my hysteroscopy told me no when I asked.  But...ok, I;ll take a small bite.  After all, the end goal is to bring home a live baby...What I have to do to get my body there is really not a factor.

I decided to apply for their 100% shared risk program...I was DENIED!!!!! I couldn't believe it.  Although it cost a pretty penny, I was DENIED!!!!!  This hurt to the core.  Because it made me feel that they couldn't guarantee me a take home baby.. WTF do I do now?  After all, the RE recommended I do that. I spoke with him, and although my repeat SHG showed a clear uterus, he said his partners felt that the risk was too high given my h/o myomectomy and borderline ovarian reserve.  Hmmmmphhhhh.....I see...

I was devasted and almost cancelled the start of my cycle.  But after careful thought...I figure, screw those partners...I was able to get pregnant 2x on my own in 6months.  Now that my uterus is clear, I can surely do this.  Hubby also put a great spin on it, saying, thats less money we have to pay for the same result                --->sometimes that man can drop some knowledge.  So I decided to go ahead with it. 

I started BCPon august 7.  I will be on this for 7 days.  I am starting the antagonist protocol.
Was suppose to have my injection class yesterday, but unfortunately got there late due to traffic.  But I did get to speak with a nurse just to clear up some questions.  She actually said I didn't need the class since i'm a medical professional.  I'll also be doing all my injections myself since DH is away.  I also made the payment for both my cycle and the meds...YIKES....

I must say that I'm pretty excited about this process.  I KNOW that I will be a mother.  I PRAY that it is on my first IVF/FET cycle. 

In the past, I've dwelled on they "why me". But after alot of self evaluation....I now ask myself "why not me?".  Grant it, I wouldn't wish this on myself or anyone else.  But going through this process will definitely make me a better mother, because I know that the road wasn't easy.  It has helped me to prioritize what really matters in life. Although my insurance doesn't cover IVF or meds...I'm thankful for the ability to be able to afford this cycle.  I'm also thankful that I live in a state that has mandatory IVF coverage (although I work in a state that doesn't), in the event that this doesn't work, I will have the opportunity to obtain employment in my current state.  SO with all the said...I am blessed beyond measure and that is what I am choosing to focus on. 

My pre-IVF labs/US in on 8/20/2012 and i'm scheduled to start stims on 8/31/2012 with ER ~ 9/12 and ET ~9/15 or 9/17.  I pray this ride isn't too bumpy. 

4dpiui

Today is 4 or 5dpiui. Last week was definitely an experience. I went in on cd12 for monitoring. During my cd3 visit I let nurse k know that I tend to ovulate early on my left side. She said with comid that should not be a problem. So I go in on cd12 and guess what, no measurable follies. They saw 3 on each side. My LH was 14.8 and e2 was 707. Uh oh...im ovulating. Went back on cd13, it was confirmed that I had a collapsed follicle, so definitely ovulated. E2 was 482, progesterone 1.49 and LH 56 with lining of 6.1mm. According to dr. K, I should fully ovulate within the next 12-24 hours. IUI was scheduled for the next day. Duh, why can't I get it today???? So he was like..."good idea". So I was sent to get my IUI that day and then the next day. Very uneventful. I started Estrace to help with my lining, and of course progesterone. I go back on June 8th for my test. I'm going to poas before then. I'm feeling ok so far. My nipples are super sensitive and I'm having some cramping. Not reading too much into that because of the meds I'm on. I knew I was ovulating early because of my cm (has ewcm for the first time since my last preanancy)and bd before hubby left for school so hopefully that was enough to cover my bases. Last night I got a letter back from my insurance company denying my appeal for fertility tx. They are standing by their one year. I'm now scared because if I get pregnant before nov 2012, and God forbid I have another mc, my year starts all over again, so this cycle is bitter sweet. But nov is around the corner, so if this cycle doesn't work, I'll hold off until oct/nov to get approved. And to top things off dr. K thinks I have scarring around my tubes which may impede the sme, signifying that I have a better chance with IVF. Argggghhh....I just need to be patient. I'm so damn close. I'm trying to let go and let God...

IUI #1 - CD 12

went in for my first monitoring since starting clomid.  He saw 3 follies on each side although I didn't ask sizes because I figured I'd ask nurse K when she call with my labs.  Soooo...it seems that I may be ovulating/ovulated.  I kind of knew this would happen because last month I ovulated early and told RN K this, but she assured me that coming in on CD 12 would be ok.  hmmmmm...So my E2 was 707 and my LH was 14.3.  My lining still on the thin side. The plan is that I go in in the AM, repeat labs and US with progestering to see if i'm on the rise or i'm coming down, and then IUI on thurs/fri, no trigger.  Not really sure how I feel about the possibility that this cycle may be tanked. I am trying not to get too overly obsessessed/stressed about this process.  RN K said I should be fine but i'm not so sure.  I guess I'll find out in the AM.

Too Blessed to be Stressed...

This is what I have to keep telling myself.  My self rx natural cycle was a bust.  It's gotten to the point were I am not expecting a BFN, although I"m hopeful, such an oxymoron.  Then I got all down in the dumps.  I also found out that one of my co-workers was pregnant, 11 weeks, then I got even more down.  EVERYONE is pregnant.  But then I had to reel myself in.  She had a 2nd trimester loss, then a preterm delivery.  She has been through it, so if this came easy for her, then its a blessing she deserves.  This made me re-think, kinda, how I view pregnant women.  No one knows of the persons struggles to get pregnant.  When i get pregnant, no one will know what I went through, except for may 1-2 ppl. So with that I humble myself and I'm grateful.  I am grateful for the ability to get AF, because that means I have another month to try.  I am grateful for a supportive husband.  I am grateful for a good career, where I can pay for IUI cycles until my insurance covers it.  I am grateful to have insurance that covers IUI/IVF, even though its only after a year of TTC and at 50%.  Everytime I get down in the dumps, I have to remember that I am still able and for that I am grateful.

IUI #1 - CD 4

Today is CD 4.  I had my monitoring cycle for my first IUI.  Urggghhhh...Since my insurance will not cover it until one year after my m/c, we will be covering this out of pocket.  I had a pregnancy test done.  Dr. K did my US.  He saw 5 follies on each ovary.  He also said that he thinks I have scarring around both my ovaries which may make sme a little difficult.  He said, my best bet is IVF..He mentioned something similar of my left ovaries with my last monitored cycle.  I guess this may be why its taking me so long, because otherwise, I think we time BD pretty well.  Anyway, can't be down about it. Not much I can do.  I told him about the letter/appeal I wrote to the insurance company and asked him to also send a letter. He said he will.  SO hopefully that will cause them to change their minds, if not, then december it is. I paid my little pennies and went about my way.  We are doing a clomid/ovidrel/IUI cycle.  I will be taking 1/2 pill of clomid from day 4 until day 8.  Will be back for CD12. Lets get going follies!!!!

Urghhhh...

Feeling kind of blah today...So much going on but yet nothing at all.  This month I O'ed early.  I got a + OPK on CD 11. I think when I O on my left its earlier then my right because last month it was around CD 17ish.  I really hope we caught the egg.  I don't want to do IUI, especially since we'll have to pay for it.  And DH will be going away in 3 weeks...URGHHHHHH....I wrote an appeal to the insurance company regarding their definition of infertility and  the revised definition, stating its 6months for women 35 and older.  I'm going to my god daughters birthday party this weekend.  She's 2.  A good friend who is about 8 months pregnant will be there.  I haven't seen her in forever.  I'm not sure how I'm going to feel seeing her pregnant.  I would have been 6 months pregnant this month and although I try not to think about it, every AF and every O date causes me to revisit my lost.  Another good friend of mine is getting married and wants to start trying now.....I'm not sure how I would feel if she got pregnant before me.  See she was one that was always saying "if it happens it happens" and if they have difficulty, they wouldn't seek any help.  Now all she talks about it baby this and baby that.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish this on any one, but it still doesn't stop it from stinging.  I know I have to be patient and be faithful, and although life is good, it feels so incomplete without a child. There is a certain sadness that I can't overcome and no one really understands, not even DH. People ask me when we are having kids, and I casually brush it off.  I don't want to be snarly and say, we are trying because I don't want the stupid things that comes out of peoples mouth, or any pity as if i'm fragile.  I pray this is our month...AMEN!!!