Defeated

That is how I am feeling right now. POAS today and nada. It's amazing how BFN's make you feel. It's almost like a lost all over again. You calm yourself knowing the chances, but it doesn't matter. You still fall just as hard. I know that I will be a mother, but when. When will I get to see another BFP? When will I ever get to see a baby bump? When will I get to see my baby on US? When will I get to feel by baby kicking? When will I get to come home with my baby and be so exhausted from her crying all night? The things that people complain about, I would give anything to have. The morning sickness, the big belly, the swelling feet, the fatigue. I would take any of it for a healthy baby. My official beta is in 2 days and we will go from there. Likely will be doing an IUI. But today, I feel so defeated.

I cheated

So I cheated.  I said I wasn't going to test until the 13th, but ooopsi. I actually had no intentions of testing but I was curious to know this whole Ovidrel/HCG phenom, esp since I was a little nervous about doing it right initially.  My first test was on tues,  7 days after taking the injection which was negative.  Felt a little bitter sweet about that, because it either meant it had cleared by system, or I didn't do it right.  After searching on line, I read that with the 250 mcg, it can leave your system within 7ish days so I felt better. 

Then I was having some crampy like sensation, as if AF is coming, now really strong, but still present.  My boobs look a little fuller and since I have ALL ACCESS to preggo test at work, I decided to take one this AM when I got to work, which was NOT the FMU and was using a cheapo.  Needless to say it was BFN :-(.  No worries.  I 'm still hopeful. This is technically DPO 9 if I O'ed 2 days after Ovidrel

I think I felt the urgency to test because of this whole insurance crap.  Dr. K's office called. they said basically they would have to eat the 50 % cost because I never signed a waiver if insurance doesn't pay.  She also send over an application for the shared risk program, which I likely don't qualify for due to income limitations.  There is however a general IUI feefor $1600 per cycle, not including meds..  Thats a little better to swallow.

I called my insurance company yesterday and wanted to know how they reconcile the clinical definition with their definition of one year, without an age break down, ie..infertility is defines as no conception x 1 year for those under 35, and 6 months for those 35 and older.  They told me all the claim had on it was habitual miscarriage, and thats why it was denied.  They said the doc can call and do a "peer to peer review" and get it approved.  AND since i'm almost maxed out at my out of pocket max, all covered services would be 100%.  YAY!!!!!

So no more testing until...????

Hate Insurance Companies

I got a call from Dr. K's office to "discuss my insurance".  Apparently, my insurance denied the claim  for my timed intercourse cycle citing some BS about I don't meet the "infertility" category, which is being unable to conceive after one year of trying.  Are you f'ing kidding me.  What is that difference between able to conceive and miscarry vs.  not able to conceive at all.. At the end of the day...we all have NO BABY!!!!

Here I was, breezing throught my 2ww easily.  Now I have to actually consider the possibilities if this didn't work.  I always thought that IVF was kind of cute.  But knowing what I know now, I just want to get knocked up, stay knocked up and deliver a healthy baby.  I don't want to have to  pay an exuberant amount of money for it.  I am soo pissed off.  My Zen has now been shaken.  This wouldn't be so bad if DH wasn't going out of town soon.  Then I could just casually TTC.

Wooosaaahhhh......I am still faithful and will not let this little bit of news deter me.  The office will be filing an appeal for it and I KNOW it will work...

7 more days, but who is counting :-)

one down, two to go

Just found out this weekend that my girl Kiki is pregnant. I am soo happy for her.  She is 9 weeks.  Wishing her a happy and healthy 9months

As for me...i'm still moving on.  the 2ww hasn't been too bad.  I haven't really thought about it much, or rather its more of a fleeting thought. I will be testing in about 10 days, well rather 9 for me.  Until then, I have so much to do.  I have picked up a couple of extra work shifts this week, I'm hosting a going away party for my girl this weekend and then next week, my step daughter will be coming...and when i'm not doing all that, I will try to get some sleep or catch up on tivo...So busy busy busy...

I have had some mild cramping...nothing much else.  Not reading into symptoms or anything..Just going with the flow.  Wow how i've changed. I remember a year ago, check on ff for every twinge I had.  This time, i'm like..hmmm...ok..was that a cramp...LOL..+ vibes all the way...

2 WW

I think I am about to begin the DREADED 2WW.  I have been using OPK's since my trigger 3 days ago and have been testing every night.  Not sure if I ever noted a "surge", the test line was "almost" as dark as the control line but last night it was definitely much lighter. I will check again today.  I want to make sure we don't stop BD too early. I am determined to catch this egg.

SO the first 2days I had alot of abdominal cramping.  Not sure what that means exactly.  Today not so much.  NO real symptoms from the ovidrel. I started my progesterone suppositories today, and I am to take them 2x/day. so I will be wearing panty liners with them as they can get really messy.

I had a pt. I treated last night who's meds consisted of lovenox, asprin and endotrim.  I knew too well what that combination of meds meant.  She was 10 weeks pregnant, I wanted to hug her and congratulate her and let her know I know exactly what she went through.  From that combo, I can assume that she has had at least one miscarriage in the past.  I did ask what she was on lovenox for and she said...she had the "MotherTHFR" gene.  But she made it, now 10 weeks.  It gave me hope.

Anyway, trying to figure out how to wait out these 2weeks.  My test is april 12.   I plan not to test until, at least no earlier than the 11th.  I don't want any surprises nor do I want to be waiting anxiously for the "phone call".  Soooo, until then, i'm going to try not to do anything related to baby searching..No blogging, unless something amazing happens, no googling, no harping over twitches and such. 

What I plan/hope to do is...catch up on some TIVO, do some CME, research more about natural hair, photography, exercise and spend time with hubster.  That sounds enough to keep me busy...And oh yea...sleep.

And the wait begins..

Its trigger TIME:

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LH: 62.6
E2: 267
Folly #1: 19.1

Symptoms:  I am having some lower abd. cramping and back pain...Come on egg, lets flow!!!

So I am almost ready to surge: 
-I take trigger tonight between 6pm and 12AM.
-Start Progesterone in 2 days
-Beta for BFP on 4/12/2012


Let the BD'ing begin!!!!!

CD 16: Monitoring #5

Another monitoring day. Starting to get tired of these and its depleting my finances.  I don't know how these women do it over and over again for years.  My goodness.  I can't imagine the emotional nor financial strain it must be on the them.  This is a multi-dollar industry because these women are so desperate to be parents, so they will come in daily and pay whatever to do so.  I can sort of empathize.  I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the abiility to get extra income.  There were so many women at the office this AM and over the weekend, all hoping that this is their time, this will be their month.  All knowing that we are all there for one reason and one reason only, to bring home a baby. There were ppl who looked too old to be having kids, there were young looking people, fat people, skinny people, blacks, whites, asian..all walks of life, on the the same journey.

Dr. K did my US today.  I don't know if he is all that great at US.  He started off with my lining which he said was thin....however he said 2.??mm.  So I interject and tell him that it was 5.0mm on sat and 5.5mm Sun. I really cant forsee it getting thinner seeing as my estrogen was 300 the last time.  SO he takes a "better look" and i'm about 8.9mm...Yay!!!!

The other 2 follies seem to be going well.  Folly #1 was at 19.1 and Folly # 2 was averaged about 7cm.  His 1st measurement was 17.1 and the 2nd was about 4.9mm.  Hmmm, I'll go with the 17.1, as it seems US is not his forte.  Also he had a hard time finding them on my right ovary. So he THINKS it may be due to some scar tissue....so we will see.  No one else has had trouble finding it So depending on my labs, I may either trigger tomorrow and/or see him again tomorrow.  I told him I did not want to see him again, as he is draining my pockets. He told me to blame it on my ovaries...LOL...

I took an OPK last night, and no surge in sight. I saw a very faint line.  So we will see.   Hoping for some good lab results.