Genetic counseling

DH and I met with a genetic counselor today. Apparently we both have hemoglobin c trait. Not the worst thing in the world. We, well more he than me, may also have alpha thalasemia, again, nothing to worry about. We were offered more testing,, but we thought whats the point. If there are no medical complications, then it doesn't matter. I don't need to know every ounce of my genetic make-up. DH agreed. It's amazing how many normal deliveries ppl have considering all that could go wrong. I'm thankful that is all we have. We have our f/u appt next week. I pray we get the green light to proceed. I pray for patience on this journey. I pray that I won't get so obsessed with ttc that it takes away from the intimacy DH and I have built. One day at a time.....

Annoyed...

I started this bog about 5 days ago but never got a chance to finish. 5 days later I'm feeling better. It goes to show that whatever you are dealing with, life moves on. I was frustrated because DH and I are carriers of hemoglobin C trait, hence a 1/4 chance of us passing it on. In doing my research, if a child has hemoglobin c disease they suffer mild anemia if that, however my RE wants us to see a genetic counselor. Are you serious? Anothee hoop that we must go through. I was able to find one for Monday, so that has been taken care of. Also DH's SA was normal...YAY. Hopefully, all hurdles have been cleared.

I was getting anxious because I wanted to start whatever plan by my next period which is in about a week and a half. However I've decided to take a step back. I don't want to obsess like I did before. I don't want to bd just for the sake of doing it. Regardless of when we meet with our re or what his suggestions are, I will not waste march. How wonderful it would be for me to get a BFP with my next cycle. That is when I had my first BFP a year ago...I will look to God. I am feeling very optimistic.

Progress....

The last 2 weeks has been a worldwind. I have never been so poked and proded so much in my life.  The good news is I'm all done and tuned up and ready to have this baby. Had my HSG which showed another fibroid in my uterine cavity, but tubes are clear.  Hysteroscopy went over without a hitch.  They took out 2 fibroids and a polyp.  I felt back to normal the next day. All that is left is hubby's SA, after which we will make a follow up appt to see whats next.  Bring it on March....

Saline Sono Done

Had my saline sono yesterday.  It wasn't as unnerving as I thought.  A small fibroid was found in my uterine cavity.  I was a bit surprised because although I have a long history of fibroids, no one has EVER told me that it was in my uterus.  Especially since I asked each time, even during my 2 miscarriages.  How could this have been missed?  Apparently a regular sono does not pick it up since the cavity has to be opened to view anything inside.  But what about when I had a sono during my pregnancy.  It was opened then? Needless to say, I was quite upset at this finding.  Mad for many reasons.  Mad that this wasn't discovered earlier, mad that I waited so long to have children, mad at DH for wanting to wait to have children.  I even called him and yelled at him for it.  I also have to start BCP's to thin my endometrium for the procedure, which I really wasn't happy about.

In hindsight, after being calmed by one of my good girlfriends, it's not the end of the world.  I will have to have a hysteroscopy to remove it, which is an outpt. procedure, and on top of that, if anything else is visualized, like fibroids, scarring, etc it can also be removed.  If this is all I have to contend with, then I'm grateful and it shouldn't prevent me from "trying" next month if every thing else is fine. 

So next week will be HSG and hopefully hysteroscopy (they wanted to schedule for tomorrow, but I have plans ;-)

Day 3 testing...

I had my day 3 sono and labs done yesterday. Labs included estrogen, LH, FSH, prolactin and TSH.  All labs came within normal limits.  I had to later get an AMH because she forgot to add those to the labs.  My US was also ok, I  think there were about 7 follicles with one having maybe a cyst. But other than my NUMEROUS fibroids, that number was ok also. 

From what I know from previous US, my fibroids are not in my uterus but I guess we will find out in the the next week or two. I have my saline scheduled for tomorrow.  I was almost not able to get an appt for the HSG which would mean another month wasted.  But God is good, and I can feel his presence in this journey.  I was able to get an appt with another radiology center and hopefully get my insurance to cover the whole thing minus the copay by billing under fibroids vs fertility.  I got a call from the IF clinic letting me know they had an opening for me.  I booked both places in case my insurance has a problem with me going to another radiology center (Since I have an HMO, I am allowed to go to a radiologist that lives in the same county as my PCP, stupid huh?)

Going into the clinic yesterday was a bit sad.  There were 3 couples there and as I looked at each one of them, I wondered what their struggle was. I wondered how long it's taken them, how many losses, how many POAS frenzies.  One thing was for sure, that no matter what the journey, we were all there for the same thing, an opportunity to take home a healthy baby....

I am thankful for this journey because it makes me appreciate my own mother more, as well as the blessing of having a child and being given the opportunity to influence an individual.  It so sad that so many ppl take it for granted.  I was in line yesterday at the DMV and there was a woman with 2 young daughters and it was freezing cold.  Each girl had on socks, no hat, no scarf, coats were barely closed, hair discheveled, and they were shivering.  The mom was cursing at them and telling them that they were hard headed for coming out with her, and thats why they are freezing...WOW! was all I could must up.

In other news..today is the big V day.  11 years ago today, hubby and I went on our first date.  I can't believe how times flies.  11 years ago, I  thought my life today would be so much different.  But because of the last 11 years, I am who I am today.  I still have some sharpening to do, but overall I'm ok.  I'm in a better place now that I've been in a really long time.  Hubby has been so supportive during this journey and i'm so thankful for that.   Happy V-day to us!

Finally!!!

My beta is down to 2 from yesterday's draw.  Excited is an understatement.  I can finally move on from the last miscarriage and prepare planning.  My period started today...yahoooo...so I have my 3 day labs/sono scheduled for monday.  I must admit, not having to think about my period, ovulation, temps, OPK, BD'ing on time and 2ww has been a great break the last 2 months.  The last year has been consumed with baby making.  it will be almost one year since my first BFP, still can't believe it. I was literally in shock and deep in my heart I knew I would have a miscarriage. So much for positive thinking. My baby would have been 2 months by now. My life would have been so different but I have to believe this is where I am suppose to be. Everything happens for a reason right???

Twelve..

Was my last beta level about 3 weeks ago.  I've been meaning to blog more, sometimes i'm just not motivated.  I was really looking forward to my period last month because I knew we can start the journey again.  The month following my last miscarriage wasn't that bad.  I kept myself busy and most of the time I did not think about TTC although I had baby on the brain all the time. I didn't temp (which I plan on not doing), I didn't even OPK (as if thats a verb) or countdown to the 2ww.  I just chilled and enjoyed the month of Jan. When my period came I was excited to get my 3 day sono/labs done, then move on to my HSG and saline.  However that was put on hold because my damn beta levels were still in the high 50's so that whole thing had to be cancelled.  The reason?...because with beta in my system, it can skew the results.  I was disappointed, but not devastated.  I have this calm over me that IT WILL happen, not sure why.  I just KNOW...

Last week I was driving and listening to songs i downloaded on my iphone and the song God's greatest gift came on.  And I just started to bawl...It reminded me of the 2 angels I lost and the love I have for a child that I've never met:

Once in your life true love arrives that's
Heaven sent
I thank God right now that I'm alive to
Cherish this
Now I know it's you who holds my destiny
After all this time in the dark
I finally see

And I know heaven has blessed me with you
You are my miracle so precious and true
And I know heaven is missing an angel or two
Because God's greatest gift to me is you
--------------------------------------------------------
Most of the time I feel like I'm doing great. Then there are those moments when songs like this come on, when I hear of a teenager getting pregnant or I hear of yet another child being abused and it makes you wonder why????  Why them and why not me...and the pity party begins but I try my best not to indulge in it for too long.

I am now waiting for my period to start..hope hubby and I didn't have an oopsie :-).  I am repeating my betas tomorrow so hopefully its now negative and we can begin this party some time next week.