IVF #2---- BFN

I can't believe that this cycle has come and gone so quickly.  I thought that this would be the one.  I mean, it has to be right?  This time 2 years ago was when I first learned I was pregnant.  I couldn't believe how easy it was. I thought to myself this has to be it.  After everything that has happened in the last 2 years, what beautiful a gift would it be for me to get a BFP... But alas, life is not always fair. 

I had my transfer on feb 16th...21 eggs, 12 fertilized, 2 transferred, one frozen.  Not the best stats in terms of how many frosties i got, but at least I got one.  This cycle was soooo much better than the last time.  I did stress, I didn't obsess, I went with the flow.  My right ovary even cooperated.  But alas, it all didn't matter. 

I initially tested at 6dp5dt and got a negative.  I knew then but I still held on to that little hope that it was way too early.  This morning I took the plunge again and I can't say that I was surprised.  WHen you go through this process, you brace yourself for a negative even though you wish, that just this one time, it will be different. I saw the stark white on that test and was numb for about a moment, but then that overwhelming feeling came over me and the tears would not stop until eventually they did. 

What now?  How much longer do I have to go through this?  Do I just let go and let God and stop trying to control a process that at the end of the day, I have no control over? Do I keep spending an exuberant amount of money for something that has no guarantees?

I don't know....I don't know how far I'm willing to go to be a mother.  All I know is that right now I'm tired of thinking about it and wondering when will it be?

Here we go again....IVF Part Deux!!!

Today is the first day of injections for IVF #2. I'm starting on the same protocol..antagonist with menopur and gonal f.  150mg.  I can't believe that it's been 4 months since my last cycle. I was so anxious for this day to come, but now that it's here, I feel a little blah about it.  The last 4 months of my life has been filled with both sadness and happiness that TTC has really taken a back seat.  I feel almost disconnected with this cycle.  I guess its that reality that sometimes this just doesn't work for some.  Now i'm in no way being a pessimist, but more like a realist.

I was unable to get the laparoscopy for my right ovary because the insurance company refuses to cover it, although I tried to relate it to my h/o fibroids and myomectomy, they wanted me to try lupron first to try and shrink the fibroids or of course, pay for it.  That was not going to happen.  I'll go with this cycle and see what happens.

I was lucky enough to get some donated meds from friends in real life and online so i'm saving a ton of money on meds this cycle.

I started BCP's on Jan 8th.  I went in for my baseline BW and US on 1/28 which I totally forgot about. Like I said, I feel detached. Glad my nurse called me in the morning to come in.  Blood work and US was fine....and I got the green light to go.

I started injections tonight. It is a breeze the 2nd time around.  I'm not as anxious and I know that "it is what it is". I will do my part. The part of daily injections, daily doctor visits, daily vaginal probing and daily blood draws.  I take it all in stride because I know that it is for a greater good.  I've seen first hand the joy that this process can bring, when at the end you are hold that baby... All the injections and probing become a distant memory... So for now I just look to that, the rest is just a necessary evil.

Christmas this year!

Christmas this year is going to be really tough. Since moving into our house, I've tried to start a tradition of having Christmas dinner for the last 2 years. It's usually me, hubby, bonus daughter and my 2 nephews. Other family members may join, but that's the core. This year my bonus child is spending Christmas with her mom, my older nephew has a girlfriend and he doesn't want to leave her and my younger nephew doesn't want to come if no other kids are coming. My heart sank. I mean Christmas is about children and this year there will be none. My mom, bless her heart, said that's why you have to have your own and as much as I want to brush it off. She is right. I would not feel like this if I had my own. I would be planning around them and making it their best Christmas ever. It truly sucks. Next year will be different, I just know it.

Thankful

Today I had a big old cry. I just felt so overwhelmed. This journey can be so lonely, and most times I feel Iike I'm going at it alone. I'm not sure if its the holidays or the feeling that I'm in the same spot I was in a year ago. You see mothers with their newborns doting over them and you just imagine when your time will come. I've been holding on so strong for so long, but today I just let it out. I had a pity party of why me and what ifs. Regardless of all of that, I'm so very thankful. Damn it, I'm alive and healthy. Which means I have another day to try again.

A year ago...

A year ago today, I was pregnant
A few days later, I found out we were having a miscarriage...AGAIN
It's been a year since I saw a BFP

On the eve eve of thanksgiving, I wonder what I should be thankful for. Yea yea yea...I know I should be happy for my life, health, family, friends, roof over my head and food....blah blah.
And I am thankful...but all that I have does
not take away the ache of wanting a baby.

I sit at home daily wondering what my purpose in life is. I've become a virtual couch potato. DH is not here, so I have no motivation to cook, clean, nada. I come home from work and just plop my butt on the couch until I do it again the next day. I try to do things, like travel, volunteer, socialize, and its a great distraction but it still doesn't take away that need. I was watching Giuliana and Bill, and he said:

"We can't base our happiness on whether or not we are pregnant"

But how does one move on from that??? I'm by no means given up. I had a repeat sono last week and my uterus looks great. My RE believes that I will have a baby, but the question is when. Ill be going to NY for turkey day, and can you believe I'm ovulating days before. Just my luck but all is not lost. I'm having my lap in a few weeks and hubby will be home that week so hopefully, we get to trying naturally.. How amazing would that be. If not, ivf cycle in jan. at least this time, I hope to get to my right side for more eggs. I'm hopeful, just impatient.

Until then, I'm grateful for not having any miscarriages in 2012 :-)

My Angels

Today is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness day.  Today I should have a 10 month old who is just developing his/her personality...or a 3 month old.  I usually try not to dwell on the what if's.  When my due date approaches, I don't sit and memorialize that day.  To me, its just another day.  Another day that I"m still battling this circumstance.  I know that my 2 angels will be with me again.  Instead of dwelling of the have nots...I spend most of my time thinking about what kind of mother I will be.  I think about the things I will do with my kids, the places we will travel.  It keeps me hopeful on a journey that can take away your total being.  So on this day, I don't cry for my angels, I look forward to when I will finally meet them.

Moving Forward after a failed IVF cycle

Our 1st IVF was a BFN.  I knew it would be because I'd tested on 9dp5dt.  But there was a small part of me that was hoping that maybe, just maybe, we were too early.  Maybe my embies implanted late. But no such luck.  Neither one of them implanted. 

That day, I didn't get a call until about 3pm.  I am so glad I POAS before hand because I would have gone stur crazy.  My RE called me.  He is such a sweetheart.  He called and left a msg for me almost every day since my retrieval.  He wanted us to start for IVF#2 right away.  He also wants to get another saline sono to make sure there is nothing going on with my lining that has been missed.  I interjected and asked him about my right ovary.  He said he wasn't too concerned about that and thought we could only focus on my left ovary.  Hogwash....hell no we won't.

I've been looking back on my previous notes and realized that my right ovary is my dominant ovary.  It is also where I had most of my mature eggs.  Why the hell would I negate that.  AND i'm paying for this OUT OF POCKET!!!! I definitely do not want to be cut again but i'm certainly down for a laparoscopy.  He concurred and referred me to a well known MD in the area. 

I met with the MD on Tues.  So I am on board for both a lap and another hysteroscopy..hey I figured since he's going to be down there anyway...why not take another look-see to make sure all is well.  I'm going into the next cycle with both guns blazing.

The only caveat..................his next appt isn't until the end of nov....phuck....If I decide go have the surgery, that means I cannot start IVF at least until mid-dec.  Thats something I need to contend with.  I'm going to go ahead with the surgery...I just have to make it through the next 2 months.