Christmas this year!

Christmas this year is going to be really tough. Since moving into our house, I've tried to start a tradition of having Christmas dinner for the last 2 years. It's usually me, hubby, bonus daughter and my 2 nephews. Other family members may join, but that's the core. This year my bonus child is spending Christmas with her mom, my older nephew has a girlfriend and he doesn't want to leave her and my younger nephew doesn't want to come if no other kids are coming. My heart sank. I mean Christmas is about children and this year there will be none. My mom, bless her heart, said that's why you have to have your own and as much as I want to brush it off. She is right. I would not feel like this if I had my own. I would be planning around them and making it their best Christmas ever. It truly sucks. Next year will be different, I just know it.

Thankful

Today I had a big old cry. I just felt so overwhelmed. This journey can be so lonely, and most times I feel Iike I'm going at it alone. I'm not sure if its the holidays or the feeling that I'm in the same spot I was in a year ago. You see mothers with their newborns doting over them and you just imagine when your time will come. I've been holding on so strong for so long, but today I just let it out. I had a pity party of why me and what ifs. Regardless of all of that, I'm so very thankful. Damn it, I'm alive and healthy. Which means I have another day to try again.

A year ago...

A year ago today, I was pregnant
A few days later, I found out we were having a miscarriage...AGAIN
It's been a year since I saw a BFP

On the eve eve of thanksgiving, I wonder what I should be thankful for. Yea yea yea...I know I should be happy for my life, health, family, friends, roof over my head and food....blah blah.
And I am thankful...but all that I have does
not take away the ache of wanting a baby.

I sit at home daily wondering what my purpose in life is. I've become a virtual couch potato. DH is not here, so I have no motivation to cook, clean, nada. I come home from work and just plop my butt on the couch until I do it again the next day. I try to do things, like travel, volunteer, socialize, and its a great distraction but it still doesn't take away that need. I was watching Giuliana and Bill, and he said:

"We can't base our happiness on whether or not we are pregnant"

But how does one move on from that??? I'm by no means given up. I had a repeat sono last week and my uterus looks great. My RE believes that I will have a baby, but the question is when. Ill be going to NY for turkey day, and can you believe I'm ovulating days before. Just my luck but all is not lost. I'm having my lap in a few weeks and hubby will be home that week so hopefully, we get to trying naturally.. How amazing would that be. If not, ivf cycle in jan. at least this time, I hope to get to my right side for more eggs. I'm hopeful, just impatient.

Until then, I'm grateful for not having any miscarriages in 2012 :-)

My Angels

Today is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness day.  Today I should have a 10 month old who is just developing his/her personality...or a 3 month old.  I usually try not to dwell on the what if's.  When my due date approaches, I don't sit and memorialize that day.  To me, its just another day.  Another day that I"m still battling this circumstance.  I know that my 2 angels will be with me again.  Instead of dwelling of the have nots...I spend most of my time thinking about what kind of mother I will be.  I think about the things I will do with my kids, the places we will travel.  It keeps me hopeful on a journey that can take away your total being.  So on this day, I don't cry for my angels, I look forward to when I will finally meet them.

Moving Forward after a failed IVF cycle

Our 1st IVF was a BFN.  I knew it would be because I'd tested on 9dp5dt.  But there was a small part of me that was hoping that maybe, just maybe, we were too early.  Maybe my embies implanted late. But no such luck.  Neither one of them implanted. 

That day, I didn't get a call until about 3pm.  I am so glad I POAS before hand because I would have gone stur crazy.  My RE called me.  He is such a sweetheart.  He called and left a msg for me almost every day since my retrieval.  He wanted us to start for IVF#2 right away.  He also wants to get another saline sono to make sure there is nothing going on with my lining that has been missed.  I interjected and asked him about my right ovary.  He said he wasn't too concerned about that and thought we could only focus on my left ovary.  Hogwash....hell no we won't.

I've been looking back on my previous notes and realized that my right ovary is my dominant ovary.  It is also where I had most of my mature eggs.  Why the hell would I negate that.  AND i'm paying for this OUT OF POCKET!!!! I definitely do not want to be cut again but i'm certainly down for a laparoscopy.  He concurred and referred me to a well known MD in the area. 

I met with the MD on Tues.  So I am on board for both a lap and another hysteroscopy..hey I figured since he's going to be down there anyway...why not take another look-see to make sure all is well.  I'm going into the next cycle with both guns blazing.

The only caveat..................his next appt isn't until the end of nov....phuck....If I decide go have the surgery, that means I cannot start IVF at least until mid-dec.  Thats something I need to contend with.  I'm going to go ahead with the surgery...I just have to make it through the next 2 months.

8.85dp5dt and BFN

POAS today and it was a BFN. I wasn't too surprised since it was negative 2 days ago. As well as everything went, I know that ivf is not a sure thing so I am not completely devastated although you hope that you are one of the lucky ones that gets pregnant on your first try. But I am faithful that it will work. I'll await my beta on Monday and see what the RE says. I may need to do a laparoscopy to improve my chances on the right side. In the meantime, I'll hold on to the small chance that my beta on Monday will yield better results.

6dp5dt

Today is day 6 post transfer and I'm starting to get a little nervous. I've been doing really well at keeping my nerves at bay...but for some reason today is different. I'm usually poas addict but for some reason I can't seem to get myself to poas. That is because I know too much. I know that implantation is completed by day 5. I know that on day 6 hcg starts to be secreted into the bloodstream, so a test today would be a good indication. But for some reason, I'm not ready to know the outcome.

Currently, I'm not having much symptoms, maybe slight cramping but that could be due to anything, and increased flatulence, I have been eating alot of beans lately. Either way, I didn't expect to have too many symptoms, after all stims were a breeze for me except super sore boobs. I do know that I will test before my beta on oct 1. In the meantime I'm claiming PUPO👯👯👯👯