I just celebrated my 35th birthday and I must say it was one of the best I've had in a long time. One of my best girlfriends and I went to atlantic city. It wasn't great because of where I went but more because of where I am. 2011 was a REALLY crazy year full of disappointments and hurts, and I promised myself that I was going to do better, choose and be better despite my circumstances. Its amazing how much your mind can control your being. It can almost imprison you. It's taken me to a place where I became so desperate, for so many things, but no more. So far 2012 has been a good year. I'm in a different place. Maybe because i'm 35 (OMG, still can't believe it). I continue to be thankful for what I have. An although I still desire much, I'm grateful for the lessons and the place that God has allowed me to be...I'm staying away from negativity and CHOOSING my journey through life. I've started to exercise and do things for me. I'm getting my sexy back....LOL...
From this day forward....I am celebrating ME.....
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Waiting..
Actively TTC is like a waiting game...
You wait to get your period, then
You wait to ovulate (which is sometimes not as bad because menses length takes up a bulk of that), then
The dreaded 2 week wait, where you over analyze every single twitch your body makes
For those in ART, you wait for day 3/21 testing, then follicle stimulation, then retrival/insemination, then you have to wait for betas to double consistently
For regulars, you have to wait and endure each trimester until birth
For those who miscarry, you wait for your betas to drop, then your period to start
THEN THE WHOLE PROCESS STARTS AGAIN!!!
Where am I in this process? WAITING....it doesn't even matter at what step!! But for blogging sake:
I'm waiting for my period to start.
With my last miscarriage, my cycle started after 33 days, i'm now on cycle day 32 and I feel NO signs of aunt flow. I had my beta done 2 days ago and it was 139. So I asked a family doc I worked with about the numbners and he said that after a complete mc, numbers should go back to negative w/in 2 days or so if all products of conception (POC) are removed since the placenta is what produces bHCG. Then I wanted to know if your betas had to negative for your menses to start, so he wasn't too sure and we couldn't really find any documented medical information on it...Soooo....what could this mean?
1. he knows not what he speaks of, as I've read that it can take up to 6 weeks for betas to get to negative
2. I still have POC
3. I'm pregnant
hmmmmm......I definitely wouldn't want #2. #3 would not be too far fetched since 139 would put me at @4 weeks...but then it's scary because I don't want to go for a third m/c, in the event the first 2 were not due to mishaps. So I guess the only one that I'll be totally comfortable with is #1.
I hope to get another beta in about 1 week, but until then:
I WAIT :-(
You wait to get your period, then
You wait to ovulate (which is sometimes not as bad because menses length takes up a bulk of that), then
The dreaded 2 week wait, where you over analyze every single twitch your body makes
For those in ART, you wait for day 3/21 testing, then follicle stimulation, then retrival/insemination, then you have to wait for betas to double consistently
For regulars, you have to wait and endure each trimester until birth
For those who miscarry, you wait for your betas to drop, then your period to start
THEN THE WHOLE PROCESS STARTS AGAIN!!!
Where am I in this process? WAITING....it doesn't even matter at what step!! But for blogging sake:
I'm waiting for my period to start.
With my last miscarriage, my cycle started after 33 days, i'm now on cycle day 32 and I feel NO signs of aunt flow. I had my beta done 2 days ago and it was 139. So I asked a family doc I worked with about the numbners and he said that after a complete mc, numbers should go back to negative w/in 2 days or so if all products of conception (POC) are removed since the placenta is what produces bHCG. Then I wanted to know if your betas had to negative for your menses to start, so he wasn't too sure and we couldn't really find any documented medical information on it...Soooo....what could this mean?
1. he knows not what he speaks of, as I've read that it can take up to 6 weeks for betas to get to negative
2. I still have POC
3. I'm pregnant
hmmmmm......I definitely wouldn't want #2. #3 would not be too far fetched since 139 would put me at @4 weeks...but then it's scary because I don't want to go for a third m/c, in the event the first 2 were not due to mishaps. So I guess the only one that I'll be totally comfortable with is #1.
I hope to get another beta in about 1 week, but until then:
I WAIT :-(
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
A New Year A New Me
....that's my motto for this year. 2011 has literally been the worst year of my life. Not only did I lose my 2 babies, but I also had some personal challenges.
The holidays were pretty nice. It was quiet,and intimate. I couldn't help but remember that I could have had a one month old. Life would have been so different. But I try not to dwell on it. I have chosen to be different this year both personally and in my quest to be a mother. I feel a sense of serene. The sense of urgency has left me and I feel, rather I KNOW that I will be a mother. I've chosen not to temp or obsess about my cycle. I know I can get pregnant, now I need to work on maintaining a pregnancy. Charting can, in itself, be stressful. The only thing I will do is OPKs.
I recently got a letter from my insurance company that I have been approved for my 3 day blood and us and the saline/HSG. Now all I'm waiting for is my period to start. For some reason, I'm Not freaking out.
The doc told us to prevent pregnancy until the testing is done so that we can avoid another miscarriage. How ironic. I've been trying my best, teehee. I still need to go in for my betas to make sure they are dropping, so will probably do that tomorrow. I guess I could just take a pregnancy test.
In other news, Kiki and Gigi had their IUI's about 2 weeks ago. Kiki's first, Gigi's 3rd or 4th. So they should know by now or very soon. I pray that it works out for them. Kiki didn't want to talk about her procedure, I guess I can understand that.
Praying for a productive year!
The holidays were pretty nice. It was quiet,and intimate. I couldn't help but remember that I could have had a one month old. Life would have been so different. But I try not to dwell on it. I have chosen to be different this year both personally and in my quest to be a mother. I feel a sense of serene. The sense of urgency has left me and I feel, rather I KNOW that I will be a mother. I've chosen not to temp or obsess about my cycle. I know I can get pregnant, now I need to work on maintaining a pregnancy. Charting can, in itself, be stressful. The only thing I will do is OPKs.
I recently got a letter from my insurance company that I have been approved for my 3 day blood and us and the saline/HSG. Now all I'm waiting for is my period to start. For some reason, I'm Not freaking out.
The doc told us to prevent pregnancy until the testing is done so that we can avoid another miscarriage. How ironic. I've been trying my best, teehee. I still need to go in for my betas to make sure they are dropping, so will probably do that tomorrow. I guess I could just take a pregnancy test.
In other news, Kiki and Gigi had their IUI's about 2 weeks ago. Kiki's first, Gigi's 3rd or 4th. So they should know by now or very soon. I pray that it works out for them. Kiki didn't want to talk about her procedure, I guess I can understand that.
Praying for a productive year!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Evaluation of RPL
Taken from ivfauthority.com
Diagnosing the Cause of RPLEstablishing the correct diagnosis is the first step in determining effective treatment for couples with recurrent pregnancy loss. RPL results from a problem within the pregnancy itself or within the uterine environment where the pregnancy implants and grows. Diagnostic tests useful in identifying individuals at greater risk for a problem within the pregnancy itself include:
Diagnosing the Cause of RPLEstablishing the correct diagnosis is the first step in determining effective treatment for couples with recurrent pregnancy loss. RPL results from a problem within the pregnancy itself or within the uterine environment where the pregnancy implants and grows. Diagnostic tests useful in identifying individuals at greater risk for a problem within the pregnancy itself include:
- Chromosome analysis done on both prospective parents
- Chromosome analysis results from previous pregnancy losses and from both parents
- Ultrasound examination of the uterine cavity after sterile water is injected or hysterosonography (saline ultrasound, sonohysterogram, fluid ultrasound, ultrasound)
- Dye X-ray test of the uterus and fallopian tubes or hysterosalpingography
- Hysteroscopic evaluation of the uterine cavity
- Evaluation of hormonal response of the uterine lining
- Immunologic testing useful in the diagnosis and management of recurrent pregnancy loss in affected couples. Such tests include: a)Antiphospholipid antibody (APA) panel; b) antinuclear antibody (ANA) panel; c)Antithyroid antibody panel (i.e. antithyroglobulin and antimicrosomal antibodies); d) Reproductive immunophenotype; e) Natural killer cell activity (NKa) using the the K562 target cell test.
- Alloimmune testing of both the male and female partners (DQ alpha and HLA)
- Thrombophila Panel
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Ignorance???
People can say the dumbest things. I told one of my good GFs about my recent m/c. Her initial comment was "its just not your time". Really??? What does that mean? Was it your time when you were pregnant and had an abortion? Or maybe it was your time when you decided to have your unplanned children because you did not want to have any more abortions. It's easy for those that can "choose" their time to say stuff like that. Or even with ART, and ppl say...well it wasn't meant to be, and the process is unnatural. Was it meant for Jeffrey Dommer to be born so he can be a psychopath? What about the children who are abused and raped, and cut up, and placed in the freezer, or the crack heads that repeatedly have babies, or the overcrowded foster care/jail system...What was their purpose? Was that destined by God? Get the phuck outta here with that bull-ish....
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
OB/RE phone call
So got a call from my OB yesterday to review my recent lab results. I asked her about the mofo but she wasn't too concerned. She said research is inconclusive...
Then spoke to the RE RN, who asked the RE who also said he wasn't too concerned, but would rather look at my homocysteine levels.
To me inconclusive means..no yay or nay...so why not err on the yay (cautious side) vs the nay. I have been doing tons of online research (what else is there to do) and have found that erring on the yay side is better than not. Primarily because even if my homocysteine is normal and I still can't break down folic acid, I would hate to carry and have a late term loss or a child with spina bifida. The goal is not only to get pregnant but to stay pregnant and then have a healthy child.
Based on my research, i'll be adding neevo to my regimen. I had my OB call it it, its $50 fricking dollars, OMG..but I waste that monthly and this is for a good cause...so i'll do what I have to do. I'm still researching how much folate I should take, I"ve seen 400mcg to 5gm...The neevo only has 400mcg which is about 4mg. I think i'll shoot for about 1-2mg starting in january. Since its water soluble, the excess will excrete in the urine.
I'm still on the fence about the baby aspirin. It is a category D (YIKES) meaning documented human fetal risk...especially in 3rd trimester. Low dose ASA is relatively safe...hmmm
Then spoke to the RE RN, who asked the RE who also said he wasn't too concerned, but would rather look at my homocysteine levels.
To me inconclusive means..no yay or nay...so why not err on the yay (cautious side) vs the nay. I have been doing tons of online research (what else is there to do) and have found that erring on the yay side is better than not. Primarily because even if my homocysteine is normal and I still can't break down folic acid, I would hate to carry and have a late term loss or a child with spina bifida. The goal is not only to get pregnant but to stay pregnant and then have a healthy child.
Based on my research, i'll be adding neevo to my regimen. I had my OB call it it, its $50 fricking dollars, OMG..but I waste that monthly and this is for a good cause...so i'll do what I have to do. I'm still researching how much folate I should take, I"ve seen 400mcg to 5gm...The neevo only has 400mcg which is about 4mg. I think i'll shoot for about 1-2mg starting in january. Since its water soluble, the excess will excrete in the urine.
I'm still on the fence about the baby aspirin. It is a category D (YIKES) meaning documented human fetal risk...especially in 3rd trimester. Low dose ASA is relatively safe...hmmm
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Girls POW WOW!!!
I had dinner with two of my "journey to motherhood" friends last night. Its "funny" because we started getting together about one year ago just to get out and have a girls night about once a month or so just to rant and rave about life. We soon started talking about having children, each of us with our own individual timeline. Gigi started out her process first. She has a history of endometriosis, so that has its own ups and downs, then Kiki started on her own journey, then me. Sometimes I wonder if we all waited too long. I mean, we did what we were 'suppose' to do, finish school, get a career and then a stable home, and THEN the kids...So why are we here?
I pray, actually I know that 2012 is "OUR" year. That is the vibe that I am putting out into the universe. But in the meantime, at least we have someone to support, who understands, as we go through this process.
I pray, actually I know that 2012 is "OUR" year. That is the vibe that I am putting out into the universe. But in the meantime, at least we have someone to support, who understands, as we go through this process.
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